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Things To Do In Bristol When You're (OCD)eadI am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone no doubt about it.
8/15/2008 Farewell my friendThis is not a happy entry.
Am writing this is anothe flood of tears atm as I know no ther way, place or person to express it to.
Earlier today I found out an online friend of mine who I'd known for a number of years and felt close to had lost her battle with cancer and has died. Ahe was my age and had had an awful time of things boh mentally and physically and it was her kids and pursuits online that kept her going. We met online and talked a lot, swapped phone/mobile numbers and used to talk about stuff for ages. Then changed to a quieter thing where we'd just text stupid little messages online or by text, that kinda thing. Was never anything romantic though I sometimes wondered about it futurewise.
The she was diagnosed with cancer a while back - either the tail end of last year or start of this, I don't remember. Outside family she hardly told anyone - never realised how few people. She loathed people fussing and hated the thought of people making a big deal of it as she had a fear of attention and the spotlight, near a phobia - later after she'd told me, we talked. I promised not to tell anyone on the online site we both went on and I never did. I also promised never to talk to her about it whilst she was there - it was her place of escape and respite.
I can remember feeling we'd drifted a little early in the year and talked to her - she said she went through quiet spells and not to worry, if it was personal then she'd tell me. She knew I worried and would worry about her and so I promised to try not to ask about it - I thought she was being treated and it was going ok.
Now I realise that the quietness was because she was getting worse. I feel immensely guilty because I didn't talk to her as much over these 6 months - little texts and stuff aside - as I wanted to keep things 'normal' for her and knew I couldn't trust myself not to say about it. i thought we had time.
Turns out we didn't. The past few months her scarcity online was because she was fading. Me trying to be tactful and not knowing quite what to do/how to do it, even sometimes interpreting her quietness as aloofness...it was never that. Now I'll never chat to her again.
So I just want to say I'm sorry. I cared a mountain for you & felt hurt that our bond slipped a little - I never realised that it was deliberate, that you were pushing me and others away to try and spare us. I just hope you know that throughout the quieter times, every single little silly text message and dumb word was just my way of letting you know I still cared - I just knew you didn't want me to say it and didn't know how to tell you I was worried. I'll miss you.
Matt 8/8/2008 Ok, so that resolution didn't work...So much for once a week - a building back up gradually *grin*.
Unfortunately, the news there is isn't exactly cheery (then again, I'm guessing if you visit this place for happy-life chuckles you've already sussed out that it's a bit of a let-down).
The sleep aponea appointment finally came through and it's fair to say that the results weren't great...
...in fact, they were dreadful. Apparently a 'normal' person (that should have been my clue straight away really) has 3-5 dips in their oxygen levels whilst sleeping every hour or so. Mine has decided that just isn't good enough and has gone for an average of 33 times an hour.
Yikes indeed.
So they've told me that, because it's that severe, it'll be the old Hannibal Lecter mask and oxygen tubey thing for me. Apparently it'll blow a gentle stream of air into the facial passages to keep them open whilst sleeping and it should improve sleep quality a bit.
Of course, this sleep problem has only manifested itself for the last 2 years - the fact that I hadn't slept properly for more years than I can remember before that (probably due to my OCD) is likely to remain anyway. As ever, my OCD took no account of this and has gleefully used it to turn up the obsessive worrying about it. Ho hum.
Naturally, it gets better though. As I've been told it's that bad, I now am not allowed to drive until I've been referred, have said Lecter mask and am actively using it - I guess I could fall asleep at the wheel is their worry (or, at the least, have f*cked concentration - a fair call I guess). DVLA and the insurance company would go nuts if I had an accident. Ok, not as if I have an actively mobile social calender anyway, but it's nice to have the option available. At the moment, am pretty much stuck until the referral comes through - and we know how quick the NHS is...
Add to that Mum being off work now for 3 weeks with illness that the GPs are still appearing clueless about and I'm kinda climbing the walls home here.
So thereyago. Funtime. Bet you're glad I left this now :P. 7/16/2008 Nice Theory......didn't work out in pratice.
Woke up and thought: "it's my birthday, I want to see a film and do the bbq".
Did the film (Kung-Fu Panda - was great but also picked because its hard to be triggered by a panda and a ninja locust tbh) at lunchtime but turned out that pushed me over the edge. Promptly kicked in the headache again which, in turn, kicked off some of my disorder. result? Cancelled bbq, spent rest of day led down reading or sleeping and feeling depressed as hell :(.
Positives? Got some great presents from Mum. Mostly books, a CD and some DVDs but all great and means so much knowing how hard she works. Also got a lovely CD from P+V, personally put together and with a lovely msg in the card that meant a lot. Ryan remembered and gave me a call, Lou remembered and dropped me a txt and Sam remembered and got me some books, bless. Rob sent a really supportive txt too after seeing my day had flipped on me. Along with some nice msgs from people on facebook and Wenday here, good times.
Negatives? My own sister seems to have forgot, which kinda hurts as we're close and I made such an effort for hers. Never heard from a few friends either...not even a text. 'Tis fair enough - didn't really publicise it - but a little down that a few I thought'd remember don't seem to have. Then again, i know they have their own stuff to deal with and god knows I'm kinda sensitive atm.
Look at it this way - the 35h hasto be a step up :). 7/15/2008 And so this is 34...Yeah, I know. "Matt, it's 1am, you really should be in bed by now tbh". It's a fair cop. However, seeing as today is meant to be a special day, thought it deserved a blog entry from me whilst in a creative mood...
For te last 58 minutes or so I've been 34 years old.
*happy bday to me, bells and whistles etc*
Have to say that, 58 (well, 59 now) minutes in it doesn't feel like one of those landmark birthdays. Am assuming this may pick up later in the day when other people are awake :). Had the usual post-midnight discussion with Mum over a pre-bedtime ciggie (always happen on birthdays, Christmas and NY) about it...figured that me as a person still has the same desire to live the life I did when I was 24 (clubbing, having a laugh, stressy but interesting job ambitions etc) and probably the same sense of humour: but am just not able to do that anymore. I either can't because I'm not well, or can't because I know it'll MAKE me not well, y'know?
*lol* Not the cheeriest conclusion to enter a new year on but it does mean the day can probably only go upwards from here! Have kinda told RL friends/family that I seem to be in an ok place atm, so we're gonna try a cinema and evening bbq tomorrow. Truth? Have had a headache for 2 days and am getting the early signs of another spell starting. Sometimes you have to pick your battles though and, as it is my birthday, I think I'll give it a go and deal with the consequences after. I figure I've shifted from 1st to 2nd gear OCDwise - if I was in 3rd, I probably wouldn't. Hey ho.
Started to notice the physical differences though. Finally decided to have a shave after 6-7 weeks of refusing to in some hilarious male fear of disappearing testosterone (after losing my notes I now have an appt about my wandering b*llocks in september, so i figure it can't be bad news or it'd be quicker) - silvery hair was definitely evident. I wonder what'll get hit next? Actually - no, I don't.
Hmmm - updatey stuff? Well, the disorder has been its normal recently retriggering self. Like I said, have hit a clear few days so making most of the peace until it kicks off again. Having to start on a different statin soon after stopping the first lot - decided that'll wait 'til after my birthday in the (likely) case of side effects kicking hell out of me again. Blood test results, choloestoral levels etc all came back fine though.
Nanas birthday came and went w/o incident. Mum thankfully has slowly started coping with her loss and finds the grave a place of peace and comfort in some ways now, which makes visiting there with her easier. Can't cope with seeing her upset. I still worry about Christmas of course (already? naturally - but at least I'm not shopping for it yet like some people (*cough* Cheryl *cough)), but can only hope maybe this year its a little easier to get through the day. or at least learn from last year not to end up in situations that'll set me and Mum off in the same way again. Not an easy one to raise with her though...her health isn't great again too. Nothing specific - as ever - and the GPs are again trying to sort it out. Have noticed my tendancy to get paranoid about her health returning though. Listening at the door in the night, worrying that someone at the front door when she's out may be bad news about her....stupid i know. I guess really though it goes back to us finding nana. me and Mum alays knew we'd be the ones to find her when she 'went'. In the same way, somewhere in my head is the knowledge that it'll be me if anything happens to Mum...and with her family history...not nice to think about, having seen it once with Nana.
Things for this next year? One springs to mind so far - and that's to get back to leaving at least a weekly update on here. As much as I may not need this place to exorcise my demons so regularly now, I know from emails and stuff that many people still do. That's important to me and I don't want to neglect that.
I know some people have contacted me for personal advice and stuff and that I haven't replied to them. To those people - I'm really, really sorry. People who've been reading this a long time know that I had problems with web abuse here which deeply hurt and nearly led to the place being closed completely. I guess now I'm just a lot more careful in some ways. Plus I wish I could speak to all you folks personally and help you out somehow - it tears me up tha I can't - but somewhere in there is the self-preservation instinct I guess we're all familiar with. I can't seperate myself from it like a professional does - it is personal to me and that empathy I have with other sufferers would end up just triggering me like mad. I hope all the stuff here - what i write, the links etc - can help other sufferers try and make that next step of speaking to their family or a doctor etc or, if nothing else, be able to look at this and say "at least I'm not the only one trying to get through". I only wish I could do more...if other sufferers want to be msn friends then that's fine. Just please remember - be gentle with me :P.
Extra to that - I know I have 3-4 people requesting messenger list access atm. As I said above, I'm uneasy doing it blindly now..BUT if you drop me a msg with your request then that's cool! Ones with just a name and no more (not even another blog)...sorry.
So thereyago...the first blog entry of me as a 34 year-old. Still the same overweight, overtall, overhaired, underconfident, vaguely cynical, closetly romantic, mentally overactive, financially destitute, sexually frustrated, surprisingly moral and thoroughly resentful of being so, wannabe DJing and reviewing, wow-addicted, bookwormish, hat-wearing weirdo as ever.
So much for age bringing wisdom...*smile*. Sleep well, folks.
M 6/6/2008 D-Day - some still remember...Though, it seems, not many.
Most of the time on here is spent with me moaning about my own sh*t (after 3 weeks of retriggering am coming out of the spell again, very slowly), but today is one of those days where other stuff should really come first.
You see, today is the 64th anniversary of D-Day. A day when none of us should be above taking a minute to remember the sacrifices others made in order for us to be who we are, many of whom made the ultimate sacrifice to give people freedom which (had they not done so) could easily have been unheard of today. Members of my family fought in both of the great wars - one was held prisoner by the japanese in WW2, another fought at the Somne and eventually died of his injuries there. We're not a military family or anything, but respect is due to them all from us all.
So...where are the things commemorating D-Day today? One national newspaper gives it high billing...aside from that - not a thing. Nothing on national radio, nothing on TV news at all. Indeed, apart from someone on Talksport bringing it up, I've seen/heard no coverage whatsoever. No mention of it in parliament at all, no perfunctory words @ PMQs yesterday, no rememberance in the European parliament today.
It's a disgrace that, because there's not a nice anniversarial number involved, the day is seemingly forgotten entirely (when even BBC4 can't make room for it, there are problems). Am hoping that regular reader Rob will say that ventures etc are doing something for it on Sunday, perhaps. 5/24/2008 ParanoimiaTwas an old 80s song by Max Headroom and the Art of Noise about how Max can't get any sleep.
I know how he feels....
Retriggered again today. After last weeks sudden attack of mental pressue without a focus which knocked me out 'til Tuesday, today's attack again came out of the blue. Just listening to a song, feeling ok, and something unlocked mentally - one of the old memories that used to upset me but I seemed to have sorted suddenly flooded me in a pretty vicious way and was just overwhelmed by my OCD before being able to slam the barriers up.
So it's 2am again and here we are...no point trying to sleep. My head feels like its gripped in a vice and am mentally having a nightmare finding a balance point to be able to step back from it and let it burn out. Until I do, the only way is to become so exhausted that I feel asleep. A long night beckons.
Sometimes I wonder whether this is a nightmare I just can't wake up from. That some part of me is actually sleeping 11 years ago and will snap out of it, maybe remember it as a hazy dream that you can never focus on. If only I guess. The reality is so different. However much you learn to live with this, there will be times when your disorder attacks you so strongly that you're back to day one all over again, desperately grasping for that one strand of sanity to keep you from going under - struggling to remember that whatever you're thinking/feeling/visualising/remembering whilst its battering you isn't reality. You're viewing it in a funhouse mirror that distorts it all into something alien.
I'm so tired...I can't explain in what way. Not physically or emotionally, just more like the very essence of what makes me ME is exhausted. Lost in the funhouse...it's an apt metaphor. Sometimes you walk through parts where eevrything seems normal, then you stumble across something else that turns the world through 180 degrees and realise you never got out of it - you were just in a corridor between rooms.
Rambling nonsense but it's all I have at the moment. Perhaps the medication is failing. It seems less effective these past months. Can only hope it isn't the case, as the other alternatives aren't there. Not a pleasent thought - maybe a reality too far for me to think about at the moment.
The thing is - I just feel like I'm existing. That's differenet to living - living suggests you're taking an active part in proceedings. Me? I feel like someone who used to do that but more and more like I'm just a shadow, as if that person has slowly faded away and been eaten up by this illness. All that's left is someone on the fringes, some kind of placeholder for the Matt who didn't have this illness. As if he's checked out but someone still has to be here to make up the numbers until the world is ready to acknowledge the fact.
Atm I can't even cry about it. Even now and am looking but the tears aren't there. Am just so tired and so numb from it all tonight.
And tomorrow I probably get to repeat it all again... 5/17/2008 To Sleep Perchance...To Have Electrical Thingies Attached To You?Really should be updating this thing more.... Not much to cover beyond the general yo-yo experience that is my OCD. Apart from... ...the testicle check-up. To be fair, it wasn't the laughfest predicted. No doubt some people enjoy having a fella smear sticky substances on their pubes and run devices over them but it didn't do it for me. Bad enough with the obvious OCD triggers it carried but also...well, lemme explain. You lie on the hospital bed, trousers and cacks down, while the doctor sits by the side looking at a computer monitor while running the camera scanner thing over your bits. What was extra disturbing was that, every now and again, he'd shoot a glance down at 'em. Now, beyond p*rn (and tbh my attention isn't really on the male bits in those pics), I'm not familiar with male genitalia other then my own and found myself thinking "what are you looking it? Is something odd about it? Is it doing impressions, tricks or stuntwork?". Anyway...btw, where the hell does the gel go? You get a crappy piece of tissue to try and wipe it up with, which just isn't enough (this stuff is covering your pubes folks...I mean, the Andrex puppy would have a coronary supplying the tissue to clear this sh*t off) - you get home and find, upon going to shower, that it's all gone??!! It appears my groin is not only an object of GP fascination, but also gel-absorbent. Back to the subject - they think they saw them on the scan (that or I'm about to lay some eggs) and am now waiting to get the all-clear. In the meantime, the sleepy people have got in touch and I'm picking up some machine for a sleep study in a few weeks to attach to myself before sleeping overnight. Clip it to your thumb apparently...have to be careful upon waking up the following morning I guess, and remember to unattach it before performing those necessary bloke activities before getting out of bed (y'know what i'm saying, fellas). Methinks attaching it there by accident would not be a sleep aid. Aside from that - nowt to report. happy Birthday to Rob btw. Will update more later. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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