Things To Do In Bristol When You're (OCD)ead: General

Farewell my friend

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 18:57:22 GMT

This is not a happy entry.

Am writing this is anothe flood of tears atm as I know no ther way, place or person to express it to.

Earlier today I found out an online friend of mine who I'd known for a number of years and felt close to had lost her battle with cancer and has died. Ahe was my age and had had an awful time of things boh mentally and physically and it was her kids and pursuits online that kept her going. We met online and talked a lot, swapped phone/mobile numbers and used to talk about stuff for ages. Then changed to a quieter thing where we'd just text stupid little messages online or by text, that kinda thing. Was never anything romantic though I sometimes wondered about it futurewise.

The she was diagnosed with cancer a while back - either the tail end of last year or start of this, I don't remember. Outside family she hardly told anyone - never realised how few people. She loathed people fussing and hated the thought of people making a big deal of it as she had a fear of attention and the spotlight, near a phobia - later after she'd told me, we talked. I promised not to tell anyone on the online site we both went on and I never did. I also promised never to talk to her about it whilst she was there - it was her place of escape and respite.

I can remember feeling we'd drifted a little early in the year and talked to her - she said she went through quiet spells and not to worry, if it was personal then she'd tell me. She knew I worried and would worry about her and so I promised to try not to ask about it - I thought she was being treated and it was going ok.

Now I realise that the quietness was because she was getting worse. I feel immensely guilty because I didn't talk to her as much over these 6 months - little texts and stuff aside - as I wanted to keep things 'normal' for her and knew I couldn't trust myself not to say about it. i thought we had time.

Turns out we didn't. The past few months her scarcity online was because she was fading. Me trying to be tactful and not knowing quite what to do/how to do it, even sometimes interpreting her quietness as aloofness...it was never that. Now I'll never chat to her again.

So I just want to say I'm sorry. I cared a mountain for you & felt hurt that our bond slipped a little - I never realised that it was deliberate, that you were pushing me and others away to try and spare us. I just hope you know that throughout the quieter times, every single little silly text message and dumb word was just my way of letting you know I still cared - I just knew you didn't want me to say it and didn't know how to tell you I was worried. I'll miss you.

Matt

Ok, so that resolution didn't work...

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:15:24 GMT

So much for once a week - a building back up gradually *grin*.

Unfortunately, the news there is isn't exactly cheery (then again, I'm guessing if you visit this place for happy-life chuckles you've already sussed out that it's a bit of a let-down).

The sleep aponea appointment finally came through and it's fair to say that the results weren't great...

...in fact, they were dreadful. Apparently a 'normal' person (that should have been my clue straight away really) has 3-5 dips in their oxygen levels whilst sleeping every hour or so. Mine has decided that just isn't good enough and has gone for an average of 33 times an hour.

Yikes indeed.

So they've told me that, because it's that severe, it'll be the old Hannibal Lecter mask and oxygen tubey thing for me. Apparently it'll blow a gentle stream of air into the facial passages to keep them open whilst sleeping and it should improve sleep quality a bit.

Of course, this sleep problem has only manifested itself for the last 2 years - the fact that I hadn't slept properly for more years than I can remember before that (probably due to my OCD) is likely to remain anyway. As ever, my OCD took no account of this and has gleefully used it to turn up the obsessive worrying about it. Ho hum.

Naturally, it gets better though. As I've been told it's that bad, I now am not allowed to drive until I've been referred, have said Lecter mask and am actively using it - I guess I could fall asleep at the wheel is their worry (or, at the least, have f*cked concentration - a fair call I guess). DVLA and the insurance company would go nuts if I had an accident. Ok, not as if I have an actively mobile social calender anyway, but it's nice to have the option available. At the moment, am pretty much stuck until the referral comes through - and we know how quick the NHS is...

Add to that Mum being off work now for 3 weeks with illness that the GPs are still appearing clueless about and I'm kinda climbing the walls home here.

So thereyago. Funtime. Bet you're glad I left this now :P.

Nice Theory...

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:44:05 GMT

...didn't work out in pratice.

Woke up and thought: "it's my birthday, I want to see a film and do the bbq".

Did the film (Kung-Fu Panda - was great but also picked because its hard to be triggered by a panda and a ninja locust tbh) at lunchtime but turned out that pushed me over the edge. Promptly kicked in the headache again which, in turn, kicked off some of my disorder. result? Cancelled bbq, spent rest of day led down reading or sleeping and feeling depressed as hell :(.

Positives? Got some great presents from Mum. Mostly books, a CD and some DVDs but all great and means so much knowing how hard she works. Also got a lovely CD from P+V, personally put together and with a lovely msg in the card that meant a lot. Ryan remembered and gave me a call, Lou remembered and dropped me a txt and Sam remembered and got me some books, bless. Rob sent a really supportive txt too after seeing my day had flipped on me. Along with some nice msgs from people on facebook and Wenday here, good times.

Negatives? My own sister seems to have forgot, which kinda hurts as we're close and I made such an effort for hers. Never heard from a few friends either...not even a text. 'Tis fair enough - didn't really publicise it - but a little down that a few I thought'd remember don't seem to have. Then again, i know they have their own stuff to deal with and god knows I'm kinda sensitive atm.

Look at it this way - the 35h hasto be a step up :).

And so this is 34...

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:37:37 GMT

Yeah, I know. "Matt, it's 1am, you really should be in bed by now tbh". It's a fair cop. However, seeing as today is meant to be a special day, thought it deserved a blog entry from me whilst in a creative mood...

For te last 58 minutes or so I've been 34 years old.

*happy bday to me, bells and whistles etc*

Have to say that, 58 (well, 59 now) minutes in it doesn't feel like one of those landmark birthdays. Am assuming this may pick up later in the day when other people are awake :). Had the usual post-midnight discussion with Mum over a pre-bedtime ciggie (always happen on birthdays, Christmas and NY) about it...figured that me as a person still has the same desire to live the life I did when I was 24 (clubbing, having a laugh, stressy but interesting job ambitions etc) and probably the same sense of humour: but am just not able to do that anymore. I either can't because I'm not well, or can't because I know it'll MAKE me not well, y'know?

*lol* Not the cheeriest conclusion to enter a new year on but it does mean the day can probably only go upwards from here! Have kinda told RL friends/family that I seem to be in an ok place atm, so we're gonna try a cinema and evening bbq tomorrow. Truth? Have had a headache for 2 days and am getting the early signs of another spell starting. Sometimes you have to pick your battles though and, as it is my birthday, I think I'll give it a go and deal with the consequences after. I figure I've shifted from 1st to 2nd gear OCDwise - if I was in 3rd, I probably wouldn't. Hey ho.

Started to notice the physical differences though. Finally decided to have a shave after 6-7 weeks of refusing to in some hilarious male fear of disappearing testosterone (after losing my notes I now have an appt about my wandering b*llocks in september, so i figure it can't be bad news or it'd be quicker) - silvery hair was definitely evident. I wonder what'll get hit next? Actually - no, I don't.

Hmmm - updatey stuff? Well, the disorder has been its normal recently retriggering self. Like I said, have hit a clear few days so making most of the peace until it kicks off again. Having to start on a different statin soon after stopping the first lot - decided that'll wait 'til after my birthday in the (likely) case of side effects kicking hell out of me again. Blood test results, choloestoral levels etc all came back fine though.

Nanas birthday came and went w/o incident. Mum thankfully has slowly started coping with her loss and finds the grave a place of peace and comfort in some ways now, which makes visiting there with her easier. Can't cope with seeing her upset. I still worry about Christmas of course (already? naturally - but at least I'm not shopping for it yet like some people (*cough* Cheryl *cough)), but can only hope maybe this year its a little easier to get through the day. or at least learn from last year not to end up in situations that'll set me and Mum off in the same way again. Not an easy one to raise with her though...her health isn't great again too. Nothing specific - as ever - and the GPs are again trying to sort it out. Have noticed my tendancy to get paranoid about her health returning though. Listening at the door in the night, worrying that someone at the front door when she's out may be bad news about her....stupid i know. I guess really though it goes back to us finding nana. me and Mum alays knew we'd be the ones to find her when she 'went'. In the same way, somewhere in my head is the knowledge that it'll be me if anything happens to Mum...and with her family history...not nice to think about, having seen it once with Nana.

Things for this next year? One springs to mind so far - and that's to get back to leaving at least a weekly update on here. As much as I may not need this place to exorcise my demons so regularly now, I know from emails and stuff that many people still do. That's important to me and I don't want to neglect that.

I know some people have contacted me for personal advice and stuff and that I haven't replied to them. To those people - I'm really, really sorry. People who've been reading this a long time know that I had problems with web abuse here which deeply hurt and nearly led to the place being closed completely. I guess now I'm just a lot more careful in some ways. Plus I wish I could speak to all you folks personally and help you out somehow - it tears me up tha I can't - but somewhere in there is the self-preservation instinct I guess we're all familiar with. I can't seperate myself from it like a professional does - it is personal to me and that empathy I have with other sufferers would end up just triggering me like mad. I hope all the stuff here - what i write, the links etc - can help other sufferers try and make that next step of speaking to their family or a doctor etc or, if nothing else, be able to look at this and say "at least I'm not the only one trying to get through". I only wish I could do more...if other sufferers want to be msn friends then that's fine. Just please remember - be gentle with me :P.

Extra to that - I know I have 3-4 people requesting messenger list access atm. As I said above, I'm uneasy doing it blindly now..BUT if you drop me a msg with your request then that's cool! Ones with just a name and no more (not even another blog)...sorry.

So thereyago...the first blog entry of me as a 34 year-old. Still the same overweight, overtall, overhaired, underconfident, vaguely cynical, closetly romantic, mentally overactive, financially destitute, sexually frustrated, surprisingly moral and thoroughly resentful of being so, wannabe DJing and reviewing, wow-addicted, bookwormish, hat-wearing weirdo as ever.

So much for age bringing wisdom...*smile*. Sleep well, folks.

To Sleep Perchance...To Have Electrical Thingies Attached To You?

Sat, 17 May 2008 00:27:35 GMT

Really should be updating this thing more....

Not much to cover beyond the general yo-yo experience that is my OCD. Apart from...

...the testicle check-up. To be fair, it wasn't the laughfest predicted. No doubt some people enjoy having a fella smear sticky substances on their pubes and run devices over them but it didn't do it for me. Bad enough with the obvious OCD triggers it carried but also...well, lemme explain. You lie on the hospital bed, trousers and cacks down, while the doctor sits by the side looking at a computer monitor while running the camera scanner thing over your bits. What was extra disturbing was that, every now and again, he'd shoot a glance down at 'em. Now, beyond p*rn (and tbh my attention isn't really on the male bits in those pics), I'm not familiar with male genitalia other then my own and found myself thinking "what are you looking it? Is something odd about it? Is it doing impressions, tricks or stuntwork?".

Anyway...btw, where the hell does the gel go? You get a crappy piece of tissue to try and wipe it up with, which just isn't enough (this stuff is covering your pubes folks...I mean, the Andrex puppy would have a coronary supplying the tissue to clear this sh*t off) - you get home and find, upon going to shower, that it's all gone??!! It appears my groin is not only an object of GP fascination, but also gel-absorbent.

Back to the subject - they think they saw them on the scan (that or I'm about to lay some eggs) and am now waiting to get the all-clear.

In the meantime, the sleepy people have got in touch and I'm picking up some machine for a sleep study in a few weeks to attach to myself before sleeping overnight. Clip it to your thumb apparently...have to be careful upon waking up the following morning I guess, and remember to unattach it before performing those necessary bloke activities before getting out of bed (y'know what i'm saying, fellas). Methinks attaching it there by accident would not be a sleep aid.

Aside from that - nowt to report. happy Birthday to Rob btw. Will update more later.

You know you're old when....

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 10:30:53 GMT

...it takes having a hospital referral to get your balls played with.

Yes, finally saw the GP today and have been referred to a specialist about it. Opened with a joke - "Doc, I suffer from undescended testes and its taken this long for me to get the balls to come and see you!" - which, as ever, failed to get a smile. Will keep trying.

Anyways, as expected, shoulda been spotted before I was a year old and wasn't. Been referred to a surgeon about it - having someone that near to my nuts with a knife (however little there is to cut) does not fill me with confidence but has to be done. And the stats were right - makes the chances of testicular cancer way, way higher (even with the corrective surgery) and chances of fertility pretty much zero. Ho hum.

Also referred to a sleep clinic about the suspected sleep apnea. Apparently you get given oxygen to take before sleep and that helps a lot. Again, the thought that this means I'm not getting enough whilst I sleep atm isn't gonna help me slumber easily 'til I see them!!

Aside from that - OCD has been a little manic of late but finally calming down. Mostly triggered as a result of the relationship 'issues' I've spoken about. Let's just leave it at a simple 'oops, shouldn't have happened after all' and pretend it didn't. Much easier I think and wiser. Mum's health = crap still. Saturday approaches with some trepidation but I think we'll be ok...

An overly-dramatic pause...

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 00:52:22 GMT

Just occured to me that I haven't updated you folks in a while - and the last one was all serious and worrying. It may be that many of you could have thought that a bad sign.

Well.....

....no, not really.

Honest answer? I bottled out of the doctors appt, folks. Have never done it before but just wasn't in the right place in my head to go through a series of medically-induced scrotal exploits (am proud of that phrase). The appintment has been rebooked for 2 weeks time, alongside a 6-month diabetic check-up so i guess I'll find out more then. Will be fun as I have to bring up my whole 'sleep apnea' thing that it seems I may suffer from as well. Apparently its worried a few people now that I snore major loud BUT not quite normally.

Let me explain (this may have been in a previous entry but hey, am feeling lyrical atm). I don't appear to snore regularly. What I apparently do is let off a massive, rasping snore and then....nothing. And I mean nothing. For about 10-12 seconds I appear, to all intents and purposes, like I'm not breathing at all. The suddenly I snore again (like a snorey type of gasp for breath) and do it all again. Not only is it bloody loud (who knows, may be waking myself up which'd explain the insomnia) but has scared the hell out of Mum, Pete and others who've seen it. Mum almost slapped me to make me wake up and breath a few weeks ago. Probably deserved it. Anyway, a bit of research says this sounds like a disorder called 'sleep apnea' so 'tis another one to add to the list.

Oh - and there's more (am turning into Dr Finlay). Turns out my Uncle's death last year has been confirmed as an aneurysm. Same as my grandad, great uncle and similar to nana. Looks like I need to bring it up as there's a chance of needing some regular checks for it. Then again, they've admitted to my other Uncle that they may not see one, it can form suddenly etcetc - so not much point really.

One more ailment and I'll feel ready for a Romero movie.

So...other stuff.

The OCD continues to confirm what I suspected at the September psych report. When I don't push it, live within the boundaries etc, it may be boring, non-productive and limiting but it keeps me sane. When I push a bit, it sends the whole stress thing nuts. Still seems to confirm I have the associated GAD. Have an appointment with the psych in 3-4 weeks time so we'll see. For the mo, long-standing mate Glenn has been the biggest victim with a huge bad spell (biggest for 9 months or so) wiping me out of his stag night, and a smaller one I'm on atm making his wedding on Saturday look unlikely. Am comprehensively gutted and hate letting the guy down. Naturally, others have suffered with rare visits of late (as ever) - apols to you all folks and thanks for understanding (and stop feeling guilty, Mr G).

Stresswise, other stuff has contributed. The female friend I talked about and I have hit a strange place in our relationship. It's complicated tbh, and I don't want to betray any trusts or secrets of hers. Suffice to say the intent/wish is there from both of us to take things beyond the 'friends' stage in a more permanent relationship sense to see how it goes BUT we both have some major issues from the past to deal with first....issues that, whilst undealt with or worked through makes that kind of a relationship impossible. It's frustrating but no-ones fault (well, not strictly true - lets just say neither of ours) so, for the moment (and simply to allow me to cope tbh), we're acting as friends with each other until she's ready to move it forward. That could be a long time - a very long time - so it makes most sense to concentrate on staying friends and let it happen when its ready to.

Far more to it - but its complicated. As you can imagine, it's a confused situation which may as well have a bullseye painted on it for my OCD to hit during a 'spell', which it did doa few weeks ago. Funfunfun. Plus I guess I never realised how difficult it would be for me to cope with the idea of non-singledom too. You get used to ways of life and adapting certain ftw attitudes I guess, just for self-protection. And they're far harder to bring down then to put up.

Aside from that, lotsa stuff about Mum basically not being very well and the doctors being next-to-useless in finding out what's wrong with her (one GPs answer was that she 'didnt have a clue' - not confidence-inspiring in truth, second only to the 'what do you think we should do?' response (you're the doctor, try telling me?), and her employers treating her like crap tbh.

Oh, and in two weeks' time is the cheery event of the year anniversary since Nana passed on. As if Mum wasn't stressed and low enough atm...

Put the razors away, folks - things are bound to get cheerier at some point!

What has amused me is how people are incapable of reading between the lines when you tell them your relationship with someone is 'complicated'. Now, to me, using that word is simple. It means 'its a long story - even if you did understand it, you don't really want to hear it and you'll get bored way before the end. I'm doing you a favour in that one-word summing up. take the hint. Back the f*ck off'. For some, though, the response of 'really - why's that?' just can't be resisted. As a result, I've taken to a couple of different responses:

a) The faintly ludicrous one. "Well, the problem is that she has this ambition to be at the 2012 Olympics yet I haven't the heart to tell her that you can't do the long jump in a wheelchair so we've been dodging the issue. I just know she wants me to be the one to tip her out at the end of the runway into the sandpit".

b) The intensely awkward one. "I'm still getting to grips with her flagrant leprosy".

These tend to kill conversation lines quicker then mentioning how much you loved 2 Unlimited in the 90s.

Anyway, back to it.

New relationship, same old testicles

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 14:16:03 GMT

Now THERE'S a title for you...

Time for a few updates, lifewise.

First - new relationships. Facebook types will have noticed on Tuesday that my relationship status changed to 'it's complicated'. In fact, was deluged with texts and emails asking for more info. probably surprised to see it happen on a day that wasn't April 1.

Well....it's complicated. The clue was in the title. Obviously not gonna go into it too much, but me and a long-standing female friend who've been close for a long time saw each other again for the first time in a year or two and (eventually) after some talking and hugging, some lip-locking occured that night and the following day when I left. Was a shock in the nicest sense of the word (had professed my affection for her a number of years ago but, though we were very close, that 'spark' wasn't there for her) but my anxiety has had a field day with it since. Not about whether we should have (felt hugely right to me and knocked down most of those self-protection barriers about "not being bothered" which us humans always put up after being a little rejected) but about what happens next, y'know? She's had a rough time and is still confused about things - even about whether that 'spark' IS there I guess, despite what happened (ok, the fact it happened again the next day suggests it is and things have changed but most of you know me well enough to know I need to be smacked round the head with things a few times to take them in). Am hoping to visit her in a few weeks time and I guess I'm just thinking - what if it isn't? I mean, it wouldn't harm us as friends at all (we've been through worse and never went so far that it couldn't easily be pulled back) but it'd hurt like hell for a while. Wouldn't be her fault at all - just one of those things (was me who instigated the kissing after all).

Plus, if things are still there, I know we can both be a little reticent about being open sometimes after being hurt in the past and the worst thing that a disorder like mine can have is indecision. If it's all good then we go from there. If it's a non-runner, it'll hurt but you get on with it. 'Tis the being unsure and being in limbo that my anx has a field day with. Again, wanna stress it isn't her fault and I told her that there's no pressure (no need to inflict my shortcomings on her) but I just need to be careful not to think this one to death before its even had a chance. Fingers crossed folks, anyway.

As for the other reference in the title...am worried about some medical stuff at the moment. One of the lesser things is that friends and family have been pointing out to me for a while that my sleeping is a bit 'odd'. I thought it was just snoring, but apparently not. By all accounts I appear (to all intents and purposes) to entirely stop breathing for anywhere between 6-15 seconds before taking one almighty, rasping gasp of air and doing the same thing again. Cher did some looking around and this looks to be a condition called 'sleep apnea' with numeous causes. May explain my sleep problems (then again, may not) but a little concerning to know people have nearly slapped me round the face whilst I slept to make sure I was breathijng. Normally it's to try and stop me!

Anyway...testicles. A delicate subject but anyone who's read this blog for a length of time knows it's dealt with worse and, in today's age with cancer scares and stuff, the taboo shouldn't be there really. I think I have some problems in that area and am seeing the GP about it next week (actually bottled out of an appt about it this morning). Not exactly a bodily area us blokes compare (unless you're a certain type of bloke I guess) but have been aware for a while that, to be blunt, mine should be a bit more...well, present and dangly!

Dangly - great word! The phrase 'the meat still seems present and correct but the two veg have disappeared from the plate' ranks alongside it.

Being a fella you get all macho and just ignore the problem (tbh have had other things that get far more use on my mind) but know I've suffered from occasional discomfort and real pain there for well over 15 years or so. Over the past few years its concerned me more though - we've all heard the advice about regular checking for lumps etc and that's been almost impossible for me to do. Then a friend actually found a lump on his, which made me even more concerned. So I thought I'd try looking the condition up on some of the BMA and NHS sites.

Only to find there really IS a condition - and it isn't good. Has a fancy latin name but is commonly called 'undescended testis', which pretty much covers it. Apparently it does happen and is meant to be spotted and corrected in the first 12-18 months of life. Except (and trust me - even before seeing a GP, making a positive self-diagnosis is pretty easy in this case) it doesn't look like it was. In adult males it really isn't good at all. Not only is the chance of infertility massively, massively high (don't like kids anyway but the option would be handy) but the chance of people with the condition - even when corrected - getting growths/tumors (aka cancer) there are estimated to be 20 times more then the average fella.

You can now see why I'm a bit worried, to say the least. And I haven't even got a decent soprano voice from it - bastard.

Anyway, will keep you all updated on the situations I guess (won't duck out of the appt next week, I just have a bad feeling about it). OCDwise, things still seem fairly level - if I don't push it, it doesn't push me.

Later,

Guess who's back? Back again...

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 11:22:20 GMT

Nightmare.

2 weeks w/o internet access for a social semi-recluse? DON'T recommend it, folks. Fair to say that, when Sky told me they'd messed up the replacement router being delivered after the first week, a number of dents appeared in walls around the bungalow. Still, all seems to be working ok so far. Fingers crossed that, along with the new CPU, this'll mean WoW works again...

Other updates...ok, OCDwise it hasn't been great. In truth, the whole year has been poor regarding my OCD and (I guess) suggests that the condition has deteriorated a little. What IS clear is that my own interpretation and approach to it has been flawed. I think I expected it to get far easier once I'd got a decent handle on my two main obsessive areas where as the truth is that getting control of them has simply made me realise just how much it affects everything. Those two areas were just so disturbing that they kinda masked everything else - now I've got them under control, that has become clearer.

Also...I'm just a bit worried about the medical side of it too. Everything has been put down to an aspect of my OCD regarding the weird heads (not headaches, more like a pressure/soreness of the brain), accompanying mood swings and physical/mental anxiety levels that go with it...but given the family events this year, part of me wonders whether it could also be something else. Don't want to get paranoid but perhaps I should ask a little more about it. This really seems to be cyclical now, with the gaps in between when I'm relatively feeling ok becoming shorter and shorter - worrying.

Mum is still going through tests and waiting on results for things. The negative on the cancer was a relief but the problems are still there - they now suspect a kidney issue and we're waiting for results to come through about it. Has been a terribly hard year for her and I worry about her health a great deal as a result. Christmas itself isn't helping - too many memories of Nana I guess - and I think she'll be glad just to see it through and get it out of the way. Have done the best I can with prezzies for her (won't be looking at the bank balance for a while!) but I think festiveness may be in short supply this year.

Anyway, that kinda covers things for the mo.

Late nights, old flames...

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 01:44:20 GMT

These late nights must be finally getting to me...

For all my cynicism re: relationships of late and my thinly-veiled negative self-attitude, it only takes being up at 1am and being in a relaxed, thoguhtful and vaguely nostalgic-cum-melancholy/slightly lonely mood to see that mask slip a little.

Found myself surfing Facebook looking for old flames of all things!!! *lol* Thought it was a cliche that I'd always refused to do, yet here I am having looked round. Perhaps thankfully I didn't find any (probably so traumatised that they're keeping 'off the grid' *grins*) but did make me think, y'know? Maybe, really, I'm so anti-relationship regarding myself because somewhere in there the old me, who always craved one, has never disappeared - just got repressed like hell as my OCD and other things stepped in and it became less and less likely.

*sigh* I don't know - maybe it's easier like this then to ever let that part of me back out of the bag. He'd take a hell of a lot of coaxing now anyway methinks!

Still...it's strange. I can think of 3 women I've been involved with in some way that a part of me for some reason wishes it could contact again. One a long-term relationship a long, long time ago (in a galaxy etc...), one someone who I was also a friend of her family to who it just never happened with - yet it always seemed a mistake that it didn't, and another a uni friend who I had a 'moment' with a few years later. Not necessarily for any romantic reason (though that would be funny I admit), more because I guess those connections with others don't happen often. When they do - even if nothing comes of them - maybe it's worth making the most of whatever they can be/end up being, even if it's nothing serious in 'that' way.

Babble.

Huge relief but a disappointing lack of beaver

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 09:58:48 GMT

Finally some good news - Mum had her tests yesterday at the hospital and there's no sign of cancer in the bladder. Assuming the blood tests don't say something odd (which I am assuming, as they're now looking for what else her problem could be), it isn't cancer. Finally sunk in this morning and am very, very relieved. Ok, Mum still has the problem and it looks like it may be a kidney issue - which isn't great - but it isn't cancer. Now let's hope Dad comes through with a negative as well after his next bout of tests.

OCD been going mad, can't sleep properly (even less then normal), etcetc. Oh, and Footie Manager 2008 is horribly addictive and proving a good fix for me whilst Warcraft isn't working.

And I'm disappointed with Bill Oddie - he promised 'plenty of beaver action' the other night on BBC2. I must have misread the meaning.

One Day I'll Leave a Cheerful Blog Entry.....

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 08:32:34 GMT

....won't be THIS one but I live in hope.

I'm currently doing everything I can to stop going out of my mind with worry since last night - and not doing very well. Mum had an appt at the doctors last night about a bladder problem that flared up 3 months ago (though she's always had some issues with it) and hasn't responded to antibiotics. Has been referred to a Ureathologist about it as her sample was still 'full of blood'. That's fair enough - could be all kinds of things causing it.

Unfortunately, the GP (after she'd sat down) said 'of course, it could be a small cancer. Something's bleeding in there'.

Yes, I know - the likelihood is that it isn't. Even if it was, may be benign. Even if not benign, caught early enough etc. But the fact that the GP jumped to that one first? That's scared the hell out of me. Anyone who knows Mum knows that her health isn't all that great...*frustrated look* and of course, all I'm doing is just putting the pieces together to make the worst looking picture. Can't help it, folks - after the way the past 16 months or so have gone...Worst thing is, there's just this huge, looming cancer-topic monster stood there with us whenever we're talking for me since last night, which we're both aware of but neither want to acknowledge. Nothing we can do 'til she goes to see this specialist. Is just scary just how much even the SUGGESTION of it being anything like that can shake you up.

Oh, and that's not all. After leaving Dad's last week, he came out with me for our customary post-visit natter on the way to the car. Now, Dad's a natural hypochondriac - if he's felt a twinge, his leg may be falling off (even if it's in the elbow). That's not saying he faks things - he's had quite a few injuries in work etc - but Dad does talk about them a lot. However, he's had some serious stomach probs over the past few years and was told he may need an op 'only normally given to people 10-15 years older then him' a while back. This month he's in to see his specialists for 2 appointments - and it turns out he's scared as hell. Lots of blood where there shouldn't be blood and a lot more pain then he's let on to others...and for the past few weeks the thought that it may be cancer has been worrying him a lot as well.

Again - probably isn't. But add that to Mum's GP visit last night and I'm more then a little pre-occupied with worry, it's fair to say.

Freaky Thinky Coincidences

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 11:06:00 GMT

Saw something yesterday that sparked off mucho thinking...

Randomly switched on 'Scrubs' mid-afternoon - haven't watched it in well over a year. Was an episode with Michael J Fox in and, right at the end, the revelation that his character has OCD is made...and when it's made, the music it uses is an obscure Coldplay track from their first album called 'Everything's Not Lost'.

The same song I used as a backing track for sufferers' testimonies about their OCD during the radio charity appeal a few years ago.

Freaked me out tbh - a song well-linked with a cause is one thing, as is a well-known song that was commercially successful. But this one is neither, nor is it explicitly linked to OCD (to my knowledge anyway). I guess it shook me a little to know there's someone out there - whoever picked that song for that moment - who must be on a damn similar wavelength to me. Only another sufferer would know how apt that one is...

Yes, kicked off some old memories and (as a predictable result) some over-analysis of me atm as well - no new revelations (my OCD is semi-under control though has its moments but my general mental strength is (seemingly) irreperably f*cked) but perspective at least. I have come a long way since 10 years ago....damn, even since 3 years ago. If progress is slow and the past year has pretty much halted then be thankful for the place it has reached I guess.

Ho hum.

A big hello to Facebook users - HELLO!

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 09:00:16 GMT

Ok, so I finally gave in to a bombardment of emails and generally hasslesome individuals and made a facebook a/c (happy Elizabeth?) - and have found the place mightily addictive.

Anyways - seeing as I founda n app to add blog details to facebook, it seems a good idea to give newbie visitors a briefish intro to me to let you flee now before deciding to after ploughing through the rest of the blog. So...

...my true identity is that of a sexually insatiable, handsome 25 year-old international spy-cum-playboy with an Oxford education and the ability to play the piano, sitar and spoons at the same time...

...unfortunately, the spy aspect has required to me to assume the life of a 33 year-old, overweight, overtall and overhairy diabetic ex-goth with vague memories of moshpits and old-skool DJing who suffers from one of the rarer forms of mental disorder OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) referred to as 'pure o' or 'obsessive thinking'.

Have a degree from UWE in Bristol. pursued a media career in journalism for a while but the OCD finally got the better of me and haven't worked since 2004 (and the chances of doing so again to any real level seem pretty unlikely). After a big diabetes scare last year where I was rushed into hospital, has been a rough 15 months or so - still, am now off of insulin and, ocdwise, may not be all that stable but it is at least predictable as I try to rebuild things from the '04 breakdown.

Bah, sounds rubbish doesn't it? Guess it's not great but still try and have the odd chuckle and keep a humorously philosophical/cynical view on things (acc to many). Spend most of my time on the 'net (socialising is tricky and tends to be spur-of-the-moment due to my disorder), working on the blog and (more recently) having some fun on World of Warcraft.

What a catch *grin*.

Vivid Dreams of Doorbells...

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 05:52:13 GMT

It's 6:42am. Been up for just over an hour after a stretch of semi-sleepless nights and early mornings (is an OCD thing). Feel ok (if a little tired), not doped up, not drunk, thinking straight. These facts are important....

...as at 5:30am I'd swear the doorbell went.

Not just once, but twice. With the appropriate gap you'd leave to give someone a chance to hear it and start making their way to the door before doing it again.

Didn't, of course. Heard Mum stir and thought 'will just wait for her and then go to the door WITH her in a united front-style'. Doorbells at 5:30am don't mean good news. Our postman isn't that eager a bunny and crank ringers don't follow that disciplined a pattern. Doorbells at that time rang like that mean something's happened and, given the year so far, they're not something you face alone.

No-one was there.

Woke up Mum who, though stirring, wasn't up and didn't hear it. Texted people to make sure all was ok (still waiting on replies). Went through it in my head. The first ring woke me, the second was while I was coming to. Very loud as well - 99% certain I wasn't dreaming it, not THAT vividly.

The Mum tested the bell - is working fine. One problem though...

...the bell I heard was our old one, that was replaced about 2 years ago.

Yet if someone asked me now, I'd still say I didn't dream it. Even though I'm quite spiritual and have a belief in the supernatural, I'm a naturally logical and analytical guy - the obvious explanation is a dream. I know that....yet I'd swear I heard it, and heard it twice.

Just to add some flavour to this growing insanity, when I came to after the first ring I had (for no apparent reason) a tune kick off in my head. The tune in question? 'We Are Alive' by Paul Van Dyk.

Have to applaud an imagination like that.

Strokes, Folks & Bellypokes

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 06:32:16 GMT

Time for an update...

Seems the lastest hardcore bad OCD spell has now lifted and, as predicted, the decision to not proceed with further medication now makes sense again. The decision also got some unexpected but welcome backup from my diabetes consultant on Monday, who was also aware of the effects the next level of OCD meds could have and thought hte choice to be absolutely the right one. A good appointment all round, I've now been officially discharged as an outpatient and am back to GP care for the diabetes. It's under control, I'm off insulin and don't need tablets - have been very, very lucky (as far as being a diabetic can be I guess). After nearly dropping dead from it 15 months ago, am gonna bask in the achievement for a bit. Think I've earnt that. Also, coming off insulin has already shown in my weight - have lost 5lbs in 2 months or so. Only a tonne to go, then...

Not so great news from Dad yesterday, who I finally got round to seing after 6-7 weeks. Turns out my stepmum had a 'mini-stroke' a week or two ago and, in the brief time i got to speak to him alone, he's very worried. Luckily there appears to be no damage but bad doctors advice led to her returning to work way too early and exhausting herself within 2-3 days. No warning signs or anything - just goes to show. Also clear now that Dad has some kind of major issue re: me talking about my mental disorder with him/in front of him - made himself very obviously scarce yesterday whilst I discussed it. Not sure why - guilt, lack of understanding...who knows? Too easy to come to negative conclusions given our history I guess, so ebst not to go there (thereyago Freud, chew on that bone).

Finally, another tough day Sunday as Mum faced her first birthday w/o Nana being around. I think it went as well as it could have - no big fuss, tried to get her lots of little gifts (which she prefers), visited the grave etc. But was tough and I feel Christmas will be similar. Hard visiting the grave too, not so much because of sadness re: Nana - have got to grips with that now - but, for me, just relising that there's a good chance that one day I'll be in the position Mum is now about her. I guess your 30s are the age where you start to recognise your own mortality and that of those around you. Sucks really.

Other then that, throwing around a few ideas in my head re: things to do. Coming back to the idea of some kind've radio broadcast or a podcast on here perhaps. We'll see.

Still here...

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 18:04:51 GMT

...just not been in a bloggy mood.

No real reason - just 'bah'.

Will explain more soon, probably at about 3am when i sound weirder.

Flesh-eating ant infestation? Ah, that'll be because of aliens...

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 07:47:11 GMT

You can't deliberately make a terribly bad but watchable film. You can make a good or bad one on purpose, but that near-exclusively B-Movie premise of 'so bad its good and extreemly watchable' is just something filmmakers occasionally stumble across. Science fiction and horror films from the 50s have this down to a fine art.

Last night, Sky One's made-for-TV movie (which should immediately set alarm bells ringing - Spielbergs 'Duel' aside, they never work out well) 'The Hive' earned the distinction of being added to the club.

Only just, mind. A woefully rubbish tale of man-eating ants that had developed intelligence as a result of exposure to new hi-tech extermination devices and decided to try and take over some far-eastern island, a few things made it remain watchable until an absolute classic ending. The ants ability to form into a pair of clapping hands amongst other things was one (any species that has figured out how to defy gravity deserves a shot), the death of the disposable team member (or crewman no.4 syndrome), effects and wepons shamelessly ripped from 'Ghostbusters' and hilariously serious performances from all the cast all just about kept you there in a sense of horrified curiosity.

Then came the ending. And it was a thing of beauty. Abandoning the whole 90 minutes that had gone before it, it turns out the ants were posessed by aliens all along - who promptly appeared in the form of some weir glowy thing and disappeared into the sky.

Not even a HINT of that was made during the whole 90 minutes. I'm pretty sure I didn't doze off and miss that bit and I live in hope of being put onto prescription drugs that can make me hallucinate that impressively. Not even a clue of it - you have to applaud that.

Anyway, just thoguht I'd share. Aside from that, normal OCD rollercoaster where I seem to be back to my '4-5 bad days followed by 2-3 good days' pattern (making me miss a good friend's stag night Saturday *sigh*) but I have managed to come off of insulin and it seems like my diabetes is still stable and under control :).

And I'd kill for a good night's sleep....

Happy Birthday to me - and a big hello to Port!

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 05:34:51 GMT

Yes, I know I kept it fairly quiet this year - has been an awful lot going on and soon as I can talk about it here, I will (there's a plot teaser for you all!).

Needless to say, another year older. those of you spotting the time and the word 'port' in the title can probably fill the blanks in. Those that can't, it's 6:28am and it appears drinking half a bottle of Port on top of schnapps, red stripe and a tonne of bbq meat produce isn't condusive to a good night's sleep. Though I thank Rob for introducing me to the drink, it appears Port's weapon of post-drunk torture is to give you a stich in the night.

Then again, my lungs may be so full of chicken that it just weighed them down into the mattress. Hard to tell.

Just a last minute, small and local get-together (again, reasons) but we got good weather and those there are probably the people who've been subjected to my sparkling character (*coughs*) for the longest time and are still willing to brave it - can think of few better to have spent it with.

As for today? Well, will spend that with Mumsie recovering and feeling out 33 to see where the cracks are compared to 32. Probably near the toilet.

Dogicide

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 10:04:15 GMT

Not sure WHAT you call contemplating the murder of a canine but, after having him bark repeatedly from 5am every morning over the last 3 days whilst dogsitting st my sisters 'til I got up to say hello, I certainly considered it.

Back in Bristol now but wasn't a fun time away. Would have ben Nana's birthday Sunday so visited the grave. That would be traumatic enough in itself but, last week, something rather nasty happened outside the house (can't go into details as we're waiting for the police to come take a statement - suffice to say Mum was targetted for a little vandalism and a sick, upsetting personal message from a disturbed relative of hers) and so we were both pretty nervous in case said person/people turned up there as well.

So am emotionally and physically exhausted tbh - along with angry, frustrated and upset about what was done last week to Mum and helpless to do anything.

Ok, that's not STRICTLY true - but I won't sink to their level. Just hope the police actually do get in touch and 'have a word' or it'll just escalate even more. When it's family you can only stay patient for so long...

OCDwise, as a result, still hard to tell anything beyond not particularly stable. And the meds are definitely having a sedative effect for a few hours after taking them *yawn*.

How'd it get there?

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 10:16:28 GMT

Ok, so you eat some peanuts sat on the sofa in your front room.

Now, the ideal thing is 0% spillage, 100% pleasant dry-roasted mouthfuls of peanutty goodness. However, I'm a bloke and we are experts in never quite managing to eat food w/o a tiny part of us reverting to a) a neanderlithic dino muncher, or b) Henry VIII feeling peckish at a banquet. Spillage is almost guaranteed somehow.

On the sofa/down the side of the sofa, alongside the sofa in some shape or form? Fine and easily explainable. Under the sofa? Rollage. Under the sofa cushion? A little more tricky but probably got there through general squirming. You might even get the occasional oddity where it ends up somewhere a little further away in the room, due to some freak concurrence of in-room weather conditions, gravitational forces and pulling the bag open a bit too hard.

How, 5 days after eating them, one can turn up underneath the fan in my bedroom? That's got me bemused.

Hit on the head by the Grumpy fairy

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:53:01 GMT

Well weren't we in a p*ssy mood last night?

Just needed to vent - sorry if it freaked anyone but thereyago.

Mr Brightside and the OCD Explosion

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 01:17:43 GMT

1:33am.

Bad night, day, week, month, year...feels right to turn to the blog and unleash again after a long time away from the core of it.

Finally brought myself to watch some of the Glastonbury highlights tonight. Have avoided them so far apart from when I could muster some kind of shield of bitter cynicism as protection from how utterly, desperately sad and gutted I am about not being there. Waited 'til Mum had gone to bed when it was quiet and I finally felt the freedom of having my own space and burst into tears. Just the long shots of the Pyramid Stage at night made me realise just how much I not only miss the place, but how much I needed to go and get a break after the year so far. Can justtify not going until the end of time. There's no way I could have with tkts being on sale so close to nana's death and I know that, had I bought one, I still couldn't have gone and left Mum as she can't cope being home on her own at night still. But it doesn't change the fact that i desperately needed it this year, maybe more then any year before...

So yes folks - I'm not in a good place tonight. In fact, I'm in a pretty f*cking bad one right now. Let's be honest, let's be realistic rather then pessimistic, overly-dramatic or falsely upbeat - life is pretty much screwed for me at the mo and for the forseeable furture ad infinitum.

Has been over 3 years since my ultimate breakdown and all that's improved is my understanding of how long-term f*cked-up my life now is. Understanding my OCD and knowing that the fears/thoughts regarding sexuality and simply that and nothing more? Doesn't help. Doesn't stop them being any less disturbing or distressing sometimes, doesn't stop the sheer mental exhaustion of rollercoastering from hour to hour with your own mind. And yes, years of spare time have finally made me understand the things that happened with the p*rnography that everyone else seemed to understand way before I did. All the pedo fears were and are rubbish - I simply got hooked on normal, everyday p*rn as a result of (and release for) my OCD and through sheer desensitization went looking for the normal stuff via file-sharing sites....no pop-ups, fakes, etcetc. Thought I could deal with the nasty stuff you stumble across sometimes in said places and ignore it, couldn't, it freaked me out into an obsessive state about it, sent me on one. Just like anyone seeing such stuff would get upset (apart from freaks) - except I'm a pure-O sufferer. We don't forget so easily. So yes - I've finally realised that. Finally realised that the big stick of guilt and panic I've been smacking myself with is a creation of my own mind and not necessary. But it doesn;t help.

Everything is so loud mentally lately - when it's bad, the stress is (metaphorically) like a million people shouting at once, just melding into a loud, constant mass of noise. And there's no peace from it - it can be there one day, gone the next, back the day after. Mum's been home nearly 4 months now and it's slowly driving me insane. Not her fault after what she's had to go through, but there's no 'space', nowhere to find some daily mental quiet like when she was at work, no way to restore any routine, no way to relax. I can't even escape at night now - even if I do feel mentally ok to drive, I know when it gets dark she'll panic. I know it isn;t her fault, I don't blame her - but it's grinding me slowly insane.

As The Verve famously sang, the drugs don't work. the feeling I got after my last psych appt is that they never will. The next level - anti-psychotics and depressants - may prove pretty bad for my diabetes and may f*ck me up even more. I sense we're finally hitting 'stick or twist', that area when the words 'it may be better just to accept that here is the best guaranteed place we can get you to' are about to be uttered. That's a relief in someways - it means limbo would be over, a marker for the future would finally be laid to build around.

Then you look at what that really means and it isn't so good. i mean, no-one can ever say for sure what will happen with this illness in the future, but you'd have to assume an indefinite 'this is it'. This? Life stuck here, unable to get a job because I can't guarantee my mental state from one day to the next, reflecting on how I fought through so f*cking much to get my degree and turn things around all (seemingly) for nothing? No prosepcts beyond being stuck in a bungalow all my life, becoming first the sad guy living with his ageing mother and then the lonely middle-aged fellow on his own after she passes away? Singlehood pretty much guaranteed because, let's be honest, i wouldn't go near me - I'm just too messed up on too many levels and not exactly a safe, stable catch who can offer a damn thing. Berated for being overweight and smoking when he's a diabetic with a family seemingly dropping like flies through hereditary heart conditions, stroke, anneurysims when, in truth, a large part of me doesn't give a sh*t.

Bad? Probably. True nevertheless. You'd be amazed how much enjoyment you get from a cigarette when it's one of the only things you have to get enjoyment from. Even better, if you try to give up it makes your OCD even worse!! How's that for irony - if the cancer doesn't get you, the stress will. Let's just depress eat and keep the chance of heart disease on an equal footing then. God, it's like being caught in a demonic circle, or in some evil f*cking web as Bill Hicks would have so succinctly put it.

Wanna know the worst?

There's a part of me that sometimes resents the people the keep me here and stop me from either sinking to the bottom of a shot glass and never coming back or even more permanent solutions.

Don't get me wrong - that's not often. I'm not sure I even seriously mean it. I know I don't 80-90% of the time. But sometimes...sometimes I know that the only things that really, really make it worth me getting up from one day to the next are what would happen to Mum and to my niece and nephew if I didn't. I could, and would, never ever do it to them. Others would cope. Not being funny or dismissing feelings people have for me (including some reading this), but you would. You'd have close family, friends and partners who'd get you through. And let's be honest, it's not as though I fear it. Christ, part of me wonders if there's some kind of deathwish going on in my head at times. I could never do the big 'S' as there's still enough remnants of my former religious faith in me to think that'd possibly be a bad, bad move but...say a situation ever arose where a mugegr with a knife or something had a go, I sometimes wonder whether I might not just fight back simply because I have little to lose anymore. That kind of thing. Then again, maybe that's just sophistry, a clever way of checking out that whatever force up there would be wise to.

Hey, there's another wonderful irony for you - one thing that keeps me here is how upset my niece and nephew would be if something stupid happened, a niece and nephew that dote on me and whom, due to me OCD, I can often not cope being around without feeling majorly uncomfortable. Har-de-har-har.

So thereyago. That's how things really, really are. People keep asking how I'm doing constantly - there's your answer. Ask me tomorrow or next week and it may be different. maybe my bullsh*t levels will be higher, my ability to put a face on stronger, my mood/attitude different and more optimistic - I can't tell any more then anyone else. This aspect of me may not be an accurate reflection, maybe the other ones are - I don't know.

Another instalment of the self-pitying, whining neurotic done.

Same old, same old

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 04:14:19 GMT

One day I'll leave a cheerful blog message on here and the whole internet will explode in shock.

For the moment though, things remain pretty much just the same. Nobody else has died in the past week (bonus), Mum's still not great and still can't be left on her own late at night, I'm still veering between 'coping' and 'bouncing off the walls'.

OCDwise, even more of the same as my psych has recommended me staying on fluoxetine for another few months as the events of the past few make a solid evaluation difficult. Did get the sense that we are approaching 'stick or twist' time though - do we stay on drugs which don't help much but help a little, or try the next set which are far riskier. Perhaps I should go for option 1 and just be happy for what I HAVE got, y'know? We'll see.

Still not back to my regular blog-leaving, entertaining and infuriating self it seems - sorry folks.

I think I may have killed the messiah

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 15:08:12 GMT

It's time for another good news:bad news.....

Good news: my bad OCD spell has somewhat lifted...

Bad news: unfortunately my Uncle (Mum's brother) dropped dead out of the blue, aged 53, late Monday which has plummetted Mum backwards in her recovery from Nana's passing AND kicked off all the family 'issues' again. And I semi-blew up my regular computer.

Have the awful feeling that the second coming must have occured in my driveway and I accidentally reversed the car over a reincarnated Jesus seconds after or something....luck is not a good thing at the mo.

Wondered what the new VW Golf ad music was?

Wed, 30 May 2007 14:59:42 GMT

The fantastic one where it drives through the city at night accompanied by a Richard Burton monologue over a stunning, slowly-building ambient tune?

'Tis called 'Don't Blow It' by Cliff Martinez apparently, and was on the soundtrack of 'Solaris'.

Welcome to wherever I am

Sun, 27 May 2007 23:24:51 GMT

Otherwise known as Weston-Super-Mare.

Yep, tonight's latest instalment of the (recently infrequent) T2D annals has returned to my sisters place, where I'm housesitting for a few days. This time Mum is down here as well (she's not great - has relapsed a bit in her grief over nana and couldn't be left on her own) so there's limited damage I can do to the house. Still, will do my best...

Not been updating as there's not much to update - everything still surreal as ever over past few months. Still, after an OCD attack in the week and a diazepam I made it out to a few places and feel a little better so maybe I'm just starting to get a handle on things again.

Psych appt next week and I think the best approach is to write off any conclusions from the past few months due to circumstances, reset the clock and keep an eye over next few months. Have found it hard to find perspective on my OCD of late - just too much happening to get a focus on things, I guess - but I feel i'm just starting to get a handle on it again and figure out where I am. basically we're back to the '3 months stable in current situation' and then looking to push on from there again.

What I am realising, just from being down here (again), is that there's a part of me that still hasn't totally accepted the depth of my illness and the resultant breakdown and, on some level, is still both doubting its seriousness and making me feel pressured. Perhaps thats taken the longest time of all to sink in - that I can't put a time limit on myself or force it to get better or settle down, as doing so will perpetuate it. Maybe deep down I've not quite grasped this is a life-long problem that's about control more than recovery. Spent so long trying to force it away and be OCD-free I guess, and its a hard habit to break (as the song goes).

As for my OCD in particular...not sure *lol*. Past five days haven't been too bad - it's there but under control. I suppose I need to refocus on realising that my treatment isn't about eradicating the OCD, but about making it so manageable that the mental strain doesn't snowball into the stress knock-on effects. Or at least lengthenig the time i can last before such an incident, and the severity of one when I have one. In truth, i doubt I'll ever be up to the level I was before - too much damage done etc and my tolerance levels are way down. I'll just be happy to ultimately get to a point where I can work even PT. Though that in itself is a pressure I shouldn't think about.

Am babbling now. Is difficult - could really have done with being down here on my own. Mum herself, though I love her very much and it isnt her fault, has been a big strain to try and cope with and am aware that I have to watch how much I'm taking on myself. Still, who else is there to? Frustrating but one of those things.

Anyway, back to figuring out what the hell 'Lost', the season finale, was all about.

Pills, Thrills and Shoulderaches

Thu, 17 May 2007 08:54:38 GMT

Ahhhh, the Happy Mondays - twisting my melons man.

Not a fun few days. The ashes scattering was a peculiarly low-key event. True to form, the main family troublemaker turned up but (aside from a few snide comments just loud enough for Mum to hear) they behaved themselves. But for an event that'd taken so much of our focus up, it was just flat. Pouring ashes from a plastic green urn into a hole in the ground just seemed such a matter-of-fact process. I guess it's been so long since the funeral that it was almost as though it was happening to someone else - sad yes, but the emotional batteries have been drained.

Perhaps now people can start moving on. Mum still isn't good and has been ordered off of work for at least another 3 weeks by the doctor (in front of whom she lost the plot again). Their opinion is that, because of the attitude from most of the family and the sheer amount she's had to deal with, this hasn't been a normal bereavement process and she still hasn't really had a chance to deal with her grief and recover properly.Breaks my heart to see it but can only hope that now most of the stuff has been done, she can begin to approach normality again.

As for me? Well, the shoulder finally started clearing yesterday so have actually managed to sleep a bit. Unfortunately by OCD triggered yesterday and have been semi-constantly trying to suppress one of my secondary obsessive areas, that one of endlessly analysing myself to see if I really am all that bad. Yes: I know that I'm unable to put any kind of stability together for any period of time, am mentally pretty messed up with a short concentration span, have no tolerance for anything stressful anymore etcetcetc, blah blah blah and all that. And I know that this particular obsession stems from the one I had for years whilst still working where I was trying to figure out what was wrong and telling msyelf it was nothing, compounded by the huge fear I had towards the time of my breakdown of going to work (still have nightmares about it).

But it's OCD - and as any of you familiar with T2D know by now, logic need not apply as an OCD sufferer overrides it with the anxiety/doubt that the brain can't regulate properly. I guess this time I've picked up on it early though - took a diazepam about 30 mins ago so (hopefully) that'll placate it.

No peace for the wicked it seems.

Am worried about friends as well. A few going through a hard time right now, especially one close friend of many years who's just lost his dad. My thoughts are with him.

Things to Do Today: Scatter Ashes

Tue, 15 May 2007 03:36:15 GMT

Sorry for silence - rough week.

As some kind of ode to the basic medical theory that "if you kick someone with a headache, their leg hurts so much that they forget about their head", my body decided to replace having a bad stomach for 4 days by reigniting the shoulder injury which has flared up a few times over the past 6 months.

The result? What feels like toothache of the shoulder, handily aggravated by being in any kind of position that mirrors comfortably lying down. Seemed to get a little better saturday - enough to sleep on the night - which then aggravated it again. Oops. Managed 4 hours tonight until the pain got so bad that it actually woke me up around 45 mins agao. Sleep abandoned, painkillers welcomed.

Not good timing - in 7-8 hours or so have to be in WSM scattering Nana's ashes and not even sure I can sit in a car, let alone drive it. Have to though as Mum's counting on me an, with all the family differences flaring up again this week, she needs the support.

Am curiously numb about the event. In some ways there's an apprehension (more through worrying whether certain relatives will turn up and try and cause a scene), in others a sense of relief (a final act of closure I guess, one which Mum especially needs) but no real strong emotional/grief-type response. May be different when there but perhaps mentally I've moved on and this is a case of events playing catch-up (as Henry Kelly would have said - think on it).

Has just been a crazy 2 months (just noticed its the 2-month anniversary of nana's passing as well, so adds more poignancy to the day) and I don't feel life has really kick-started itself into a normal routine again yet. Maybe this needs doing first.

Hope you're all well folks, and sorry for being out of touch a little.

Matt

Now that's what I call a t-shirt

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 10:11:06 GMT

So damn tempted.

Still crap in general btw, ocd really rubbish, may have car back soon.

That T-shirt is really tempting...

Weekly Update - world of the cheerful

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 09:54:14 GMT

Let's face it, T2D is not exactly a chuckle wagon at the moment.

A frustratingly static week. The car still hasn't even been taken into a garage let alone fixed so far and, with bungalow clearance of Nanas still to be sorted along with a million other things, it's making it a nightmare. Y'see, we went 50/50 on previous cars with Nana as we used it a lot to look after her (she was disabled) and were about to do the same thing in getting a new one (well, we say new but something for £700-£1000). After what happened there's no way on earth we could possibly turn around and take half of her money to do so - would feel physically sick doing it, let alone how it would look to others.

Mum's improved a little - now more a sense of deep sadness I think, though she still keeps replaying the night we found Nana and trying to find an angle to blame herself from. Thing is, until everything is sorted, she simply isn't going to be able to have any time to personally recover, y'know? She's naturally still off work and the thought of the bills due to arrive is a little scary.

Me? Much of a muchness, really.

What a stupid phrase.

Essentially not much different. If stepping back a bit to get some overall perspective, I guess I'm back where I was quite a few months ago. Rather then having spells where I'm close to ocd-free alongside ones where I'm not, it's back to being constantly there as a low level of unease, punctuated by moments where it tries to break through into a fully-fledged attack. Also, still seems to be far more visually triggered then it was before. Have to have another attempt at going up in medication soon, but I know it'll wipe me out from being any use to Mum at all when I do so it's kinda tricky.

Have to do it though - have noticed little things and old behaviours starting to surface again. Was just starting to use p*rnography online again a little too much when I've been feeling stressed and that's not a path I want to go down again, seeing as it was getting the anxiety and sexual responses all mixed up that triggered some major OCD issues in the past in some way.

I guess I've got to grips with the Nana thing myself as well now. What's upsetting is that, seeing how Mum has been wrecked by her own mother's passing, I find myself occasionally thinking about how I'd cope if something happened to her. Not pleasant (though natural at the moment I guess), but just something I'm not even equipped to deal with at all. The irony is that, after the past month, it's something that people obviously should try to get their heads around and prepare for in the future - but there's no way you ever can?

Happy happy joy joy.

Oh baby baby, it's a wild world

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 12:17:45 GMT

Whatever did happen to Maxi Priest? Struck by the curse of an duet with Shabba Ranks (altogether now...SHABBA!), never to be heard of again.

Anyway, things here are a little better (let's face it, they had to get slightly better eventually). Despite the car breaking down again saturday - terminally this time, it seems - me and Mum seem to be starting to pick up again, if slowly. Her mood is improving as is mine - a trip for her down to see my sis, bro-in-law and their kids helped a lot yesterday I think, just to show her how much family she does have who still care.

I stayed home in the mistaken belief that I could chill a little - wrong move as my OCD issues have decided to camp out a great deal lately. Anyway, a few diazepam and some thinking time later, got a bit more of a grip and decided not to drive msyelf so hard and step back a little and cut myself some slack - its no surprise that it'd be there a lot lately given the events of the last 3 weeks and, rather then try and ignore it, accept it is and accept that there's no point trying to do the 'exposure and deal' thing at the mo and just avoid for a while. Some psychs would quail at this suggestion but, ultimately, we're all only human and there's a limit beyond which you have to say 'give yourself a breather and get your perspective back'.

Helped to see one of my best mates, Nick, on Saturday while at the roadside by the car and for him to pop back for a cuppa with me and Mum after. I guess it reminded me that there is a real world outside of the bubble we've been living in the past few weeks and that facing it needn't be so tough, I guess. Life goes on and, slowly, so will we all.

Other things? Well, OCDwise have cancelled my next psych appt 'til early June as there's not much point in the one tomorrow. Nothing to report (wouldn't know how to even analyse it all) and I think i need another clear run and upping the fluoxetine dosage first. Of course, the usual NHS ineptitude means that noones bothered checking emails etc to tell them this yet but thereyago. Moneywise me and Mum are probably in the cr*p but nothing new there - will think of something (she's still off work post-nana due to stress etc) and, healthwise, neither of us are really sleeping which doesn't help anyone much.

I think we still haven't go full closure on everything yet though. I suppose once the hosue clearance is finished and nanas ashes have been scattered in a few weeks time, THEN everything can move on and we can feel ready to fully recover. But at least it's a start I guess.

Hope everyone's well.

In brief

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 11:49:16 GMT

Nightmare, family in-fighting, bickering, nastiness, reopening of old wounds, depressing house clearance, even more depressing post-funeral director appointments, broken sleep, mental exhaustion, constant tension, unable to leave Mum alone when its dark, unable to let her go out on her own as she gets upset and her concentration isn't great, quiet, unsociable, fed up with Bristol, depressed, comfort eating, incapable of figuring out what my OCD or meds are doing at all as everything is so surreal at moment, arguments about the ashes, everything in limbo until all is sorted and nana's ashes are finally scattered with my grandad in a few weeks, no Glastonbury tkts, news at 11.