Things To Do In Bristol When You're (OCD)ead: Blog

Farewell my friend

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 18:57:22 GMT

This is not a happy entry.

Am writing this is anothe flood of tears atm as I know no ther way, place or person to express it to.

Earlier today I found out an online friend of mine who I'd known for a number of years and felt close to had lost her battle with cancer and has died. Ahe was my age and had had an awful time of things boh mentally and physically and it was her kids and pursuits online that kept her going. We met online and talked a lot, swapped phone/mobile numbers and used to talk about stuff for ages. Then changed to a quieter thing where we'd just text stupid little messages online or by text, that kinda thing. Was never anything romantic though I sometimes wondered about it futurewise.

The she was diagnosed with cancer a while back - either the tail end of last year or start of this, I don't remember. Outside family she hardly told anyone - never realised how few people. She loathed people fussing and hated the thought of people making a big deal of it as she had a fear of attention and the spotlight, near a phobia - later after she'd told me, we talked. I promised not to tell anyone on the online site we both went on and I never did. I also promised never to talk to her about it whilst she was there - it was her place of escape and respite.

I can remember feeling we'd drifted a little early in the year and talked to her - she said she went through quiet spells and not to worry, if it was personal then she'd tell me. She knew I worried and would worry about her and so I promised to try not to ask about it - I thought she was being treated and it was going ok.

Now I realise that the quietness was because she was getting worse. I feel immensely guilty because I didn't talk to her as much over these 6 months - little texts and stuff aside - as I wanted to keep things 'normal' for her and knew I couldn't trust myself not to say about it. i thought we had time.

Turns out we didn't. The past few months her scarcity online was because she was fading. Me trying to be tactful and not knowing quite what to do/how to do it, even sometimes interpreting her quietness as aloofness...it was never that. Now I'll never chat to her again.

So I just want to say I'm sorry. I cared a mountain for you & felt hurt that our bond slipped a little - I never realised that it was deliberate, that you were pushing me and others away to try and spare us. I just hope you know that throughout the quieter times, every single little silly text message and dumb word was just my way of letting you know I still cared - I just knew you didn't want me to say it and didn't know how to tell you I was worried. I'll miss you.

Matt

Ok, so that resolution didn't work...

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:15:24 GMT

So much for once a week - a building back up gradually *grin*.

Unfortunately, the news there is isn't exactly cheery (then again, I'm guessing if you visit this place for happy-life chuckles you've already sussed out that it's a bit of a let-down).

The sleep aponea appointment finally came through and it's fair to say that the results weren't great...

...in fact, they were dreadful. Apparently a 'normal' person (that should have been my clue straight away really) has 3-5 dips in their oxygen levels whilst sleeping every hour or so. Mine has decided that just isn't good enough and has gone for an average of 33 times an hour.

Yikes indeed.

So they've told me that, because it's that severe, it'll be the old Hannibal Lecter mask and oxygen tubey thing for me. Apparently it'll blow a gentle stream of air into the facial passages to keep them open whilst sleeping and it should improve sleep quality a bit.

Of course, this sleep problem has only manifested itself for the last 2 years - the fact that I hadn't slept properly for more years than I can remember before that (probably due to my OCD) is likely to remain anyway. As ever, my OCD took no account of this and has gleefully used it to turn up the obsessive worrying about it. Ho hum.

Naturally, it gets better though. As I've been told it's that bad, I now am not allowed to drive until I've been referred, have said Lecter mask and am actively using it - I guess I could fall asleep at the wheel is their worry (or, at the least, have f*cked concentration - a fair call I guess). DVLA and the insurance company would go nuts if I had an accident. Ok, not as if I have an actively mobile social calender anyway, but it's nice to have the option available. At the moment, am pretty much stuck until the referral comes through - and we know how quick the NHS is...

Add to that Mum being off work now for 3 weeks with illness that the GPs are still appearing clueless about and I'm kinda climbing the walls home here.

So thereyago. Funtime. Bet you're glad I left this now :P.

Nice Theory...

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:44:05 GMT

...didn't work out in pratice.

Woke up and thought: "it's my birthday, I want to see a film and do the bbq".

Did the film (Kung-Fu Panda - was great but also picked because its hard to be triggered by a panda and a ninja locust tbh) at lunchtime but turned out that pushed me over the edge. Promptly kicked in the headache again which, in turn, kicked off some of my disorder. result? Cancelled bbq, spent rest of day led down reading or sleeping and feeling depressed as hell :(.

Positives? Got some great presents from Mum. Mostly books, a CD and some DVDs but all great and means so much knowing how hard she works. Also got a lovely CD from P+V, personally put together and with a lovely msg in the card that meant a lot. Ryan remembered and gave me a call, Lou remembered and dropped me a txt and Sam remembered and got me some books, bless. Rob sent a really supportive txt too after seeing my day had flipped on me. Along with some nice msgs from people on facebook and Wenday here, good times.

Negatives? My own sister seems to have forgot, which kinda hurts as we're close and I made such an effort for hers. Never heard from a few friends either...not even a text. 'Tis fair enough - didn't really publicise it - but a little down that a few I thought'd remember don't seem to have. Then again, i know they have their own stuff to deal with and god knows I'm kinda sensitive atm.

Look at it this way - the 35h hasto be a step up :).

And so this is 34...

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:37:37 GMT

Yeah, I know. "Matt, it's 1am, you really should be in bed by now tbh". It's a fair cop. However, seeing as today is meant to be a special day, thought it deserved a blog entry from me whilst in a creative mood...

For te last 58 minutes or so I've been 34 years old.

*happy bday to me, bells and whistles etc*

Have to say that, 58 (well, 59 now) minutes in it doesn't feel like one of those landmark birthdays. Am assuming this may pick up later in the day when other people are awake :). Had the usual post-midnight discussion with Mum over a pre-bedtime ciggie (always happen on birthdays, Christmas and NY) about it...figured that me as a person still has the same desire to live the life I did when I was 24 (clubbing, having a laugh, stressy but interesting job ambitions etc) and probably the same sense of humour: but am just not able to do that anymore. I either can't because I'm not well, or can't because I know it'll MAKE me not well, y'know?

*lol* Not the cheeriest conclusion to enter a new year on but it does mean the day can probably only go upwards from here! Have kinda told RL friends/family that I seem to be in an ok place atm, so we're gonna try a cinema and evening bbq tomorrow. Truth? Have had a headache for 2 days and am getting the early signs of another spell starting. Sometimes you have to pick your battles though and, as it is my birthday, I think I'll give it a go and deal with the consequences after. I figure I've shifted from 1st to 2nd gear OCDwise - if I was in 3rd, I probably wouldn't. Hey ho.

Started to notice the physical differences though. Finally decided to have a shave after 6-7 weeks of refusing to in some hilarious male fear of disappearing testosterone (after losing my notes I now have an appt about my wandering b*llocks in september, so i figure it can't be bad news or it'd be quicker) - silvery hair was definitely evident. I wonder what'll get hit next? Actually - no, I don't.

Hmmm - updatey stuff? Well, the disorder has been its normal recently retriggering self. Like I said, have hit a clear few days so making most of the peace until it kicks off again. Having to start on a different statin soon after stopping the first lot - decided that'll wait 'til after my birthday in the (likely) case of side effects kicking hell out of me again. Blood test results, choloestoral levels etc all came back fine though.

Nanas birthday came and went w/o incident. Mum thankfully has slowly started coping with her loss and finds the grave a place of peace and comfort in some ways now, which makes visiting there with her easier. Can't cope with seeing her upset. I still worry about Christmas of course (already? naturally - but at least I'm not shopping for it yet like some people (*cough* Cheryl *cough)), but can only hope maybe this year its a little easier to get through the day. or at least learn from last year not to end up in situations that'll set me and Mum off in the same way again. Not an easy one to raise with her though...her health isn't great again too. Nothing specific - as ever - and the GPs are again trying to sort it out. Have noticed my tendancy to get paranoid about her health returning though. Listening at the door in the night, worrying that someone at the front door when she's out may be bad news about her....stupid i know. I guess really though it goes back to us finding nana. me and Mum alays knew we'd be the ones to find her when she 'went'. In the same way, somewhere in my head is the knowledge that it'll be me if anything happens to Mum...and with her family history...not nice to think about, having seen it once with Nana.

Things for this next year? One springs to mind so far - and that's to get back to leaving at least a weekly update on here. As much as I may not need this place to exorcise my demons so regularly now, I know from emails and stuff that many people still do. That's important to me and I don't want to neglect that.

I know some people have contacted me for personal advice and stuff and that I haven't replied to them. To those people - I'm really, really sorry. People who've been reading this a long time know that I had problems with web abuse here which deeply hurt and nearly led to the place being closed completely. I guess now I'm just a lot more careful in some ways. Plus I wish I could speak to all you folks personally and help you out somehow - it tears me up tha I can't - but somewhere in there is the self-preservation instinct I guess we're all familiar with. I can't seperate myself from it like a professional does - it is personal to me and that empathy I have with other sufferers would end up just triggering me like mad. I hope all the stuff here - what i write, the links etc - can help other sufferers try and make that next step of speaking to their family or a doctor etc or, if nothing else, be able to look at this and say "at least I'm not the only one trying to get through". I only wish I could do more...if other sufferers want to be msn friends then that's fine. Just please remember - be gentle with me :P.

Extra to that - I know I have 3-4 people requesting messenger list access atm. As I said above, I'm uneasy doing it blindly now..BUT if you drop me a msg with your request then that's cool! Ones with just a name and no more (not even another blog)...sorry.

So thereyago...the first blog entry of me as a 34 year-old. Still the same overweight, overtall, overhaired, underconfident, vaguely cynical, closetly romantic, mentally overactive, financially destitute, sexually frustrated, surprisingly moral and thoroughly resentful of being so, wannabe DJing and reviewing, wow-addicted, bookwormish, hat-wearing weirdo as ever.

So much for age bringing wisdom...*smile*. Sleep well, folks.

D-Day - some still remember...

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:28:08 GMT

Though, it seems, not many.

Most of the time on here is spent with me moaning about my own sh*t (after 3 weeks of retriggering am coming out of the spell again, very slowly), but today is one of those days where other stuff should really come first.

You see, today is the 64th anniversary of D-Day. A day when none of us should be above taking a minute to remember the sacrifices others made in order for us to be who we are, many of whom made the ultimate sacrifice to give people freedom which (had they not done so) could easily have been unheard of today. Members of my family fought in both of the great wars - one was held prisoner by the japanese in WW2, another fought at the Somne and eventually died of his injuries there. We're not a military family or anything, but respect is due to them all from us all.

So...where are the things commemorating D-Day today? One national newspaper gives it high billing...aside from that - not a thing. Nothing on national radio, nothing on TV news at all. Indeed, apart from someone on Talksport bringing it up, I've seen/heard no coverage whatsoever. No mention of it in parliament at all, no perfunctory words @ PMQs yesterday, no rememberance in the European parliament today.

It's a disgrace that, because there's not a nice anniversarial number involved, the day is seemingly forgotten entirely (when even BBC4 can't make room for it, there are problems). Am hoping that regular reader Rob will say that ventures etc are doing something for it on Sunday, perhaps.

Paranoimia

Sat, 24 May 2008 01:20:10 GMT

Twas an old 80s song by Max Headroom and the Art of Noise about how Max can't get any sleep.

I know how he feels....

Retriggered again today. After last weeks sudden attack of mental pressue without a focus which knocked me out 'til Tuesday, today's attack again came out of the blue. Just listening to a song, feeling ok, and something unlocked mentally - one of the old memories that used to upset me but I seemed to have sorted suddenly flooded me in a pretty vicious way and was just overwhelmed by my OCD before being able to slam the barriers up.

So it's 2am again and here we are...no point trying to sleep. My head feels like its gripped in a vice and am mentally having a nightmare finding a balance point to be able to step back from it and let it burn out. Until I do, the only way is to become so exhausted that I feel asleep. A long night beckons.

Sometimes I wonder whether this is a nightmare I just can't wake up from. That some part of me is actually sleeping 11 years ago and will snap out of it, maybe remember it as a hazy dream that you can never focus on. If only I guess. The reality is so different. However much you learn to live with this, there will be times when your disorder attacks you so strongly that you're back to day one all over again, desperately grasping for that one strand of sanity to keep you from going under - struggling to remember that whatever you're thinking/feeling/visualising/remembering whilst its battering you isn't reality. You're viewing it in a funhouse mirror that distorts it all into something alien.

I'm so tired...I can't explain in what way. Not physically or emotionally, just more like the very essence of what makes me ME is exhausted. Lost in the funhouse...it's an apt metaphor. Sometimes you walk through parts where eevrything seems normal, then you stumble across something else that turns the world through 180 degrees and realise you never got out of it - you were just in a corridor between rooms.

Rambling nonsense but it's all I have at the moment. Perhaps the medication is failing. It seems less effective these past months. Can only hope it isn't the case, as the other alternatives aren't there. Not a pleasent thought - maybe a reality too far for me to think about at the moment.

The thing is - I just feel like I'm existing. That's differenet to living - living suggests you're taking an active part in proceedings. Me? I feel like someone who used to do that but more and more like I'm just a shadow, as if that person has slowly faded away and been eaten up by this illness. All that's left is someone on the fringes, some kind of placeholder for the Matt who didn't have this illness. As if he's checked out but someone still has to be here to make up the numbers until the world is ready to acknowledge the fact.

Atm I can't even cry about it. Even now and am looking but the tears aren't there. Am just so tired and so numb from it all tonight.

And tomorrow I probably get to repeat it all again...

To Sleep Perchance...To Have Electrical Thingies Attached To You?

Sat, 17 May 2008 00:27:35 GMT

Really should be updating this thing more....

Not much to cover beyond the general yo-yo experience that is my OCD. Apart from...

...the testicle check-up. To be fair, it wasn't the laughfest predicted. No doubt some people enjoy having a fella smear sticky substances on their pubes and run devices over them but it didn't do it for me. Bad enough with the obvious OCD triggers it carried but also...well, lemme explain. You lie on the hospital bed, trousers and cacks down, while the doctor sits by the side looking at a computer monitor while running the camera scanner thing over your bits. What was extra disturbing was that, every now and again, he'd shoot a glance down at 'em. Now, beyond p*rn (and tbh my attention isn't really on the male bits in those pics), I'm not familiar with male genitalia other then my own and found myself thinking "what are you looking it? Is something odd about it? Is it doing impressions, tricks or stuntwork?".

Anyway...btw, where the hell does the gel go? You get a crappy piece of tissue to try and wipe it up with, which just isn't enough (this stuff is covering your pubes folks...I mean, the Andrex puppy would have a coronary supplying the tissue to clear this sh*t off) - you get home and find, upon going to shower, that it's all gone??!! It appears my groin is not only an object of GP fascination, but also gel-absorbent.

Back to the subject - they think they saw them on the scan (that or I'm about to lay some eggs) and am now waiting to get the all-clear.

In the meantime, the sleepy people have got in touch and I'm picking up some machine for a sleep study in a few weeks to attach to myself before sleeping overnight. Clip it to your thumb apparently...have to be careful upon waking up the following morning I guess, and remember to unattach it before performing those necessary bloke activities before getting out of bed (y'know what i'm saying, fellas). Methinks attaching it there by accident would not be a sleep aid.

Aside from that - nowt to report. happy Birthday to Rob btw. Will update more later.

Goodbye Mr Psych

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 10:37:05 GMT

Well....as predicted before the appointment, Thursday's psychiatrist appt was a case of 'th-th-th-thth-th-that's all, folks'.

Have now been discharged from the place back to my GP as, to all intents and purposes, there's nothing more they can do for me at this present time.

We've hit a dead end with medication beyond what I'm on now w/o gong into the realms of stuff that'd present a potentially major health risk due to my diabetes.

The psychologists (even if I hadn't declared war on them after the disaster of a year or two ago) have basically said I'm doing all I can do CBT-wise and, beyond experimentating with psychoanalysis (which they've admitted won't actually cure anything, may well just make things far worse and is now a redundant method of OCD treatment - and seemed incapable of asking my questions about it) or exposure therapy (pretty much impossible to apply here as it's fundamentally designed for mental>physical OCD and not mental>mental - plus there's just nothing to get 'hold' of as mine is too widespread, so not atypical OCD and I simply don't trust them to competently do it). Ultimately they don't know what to do or suggest, beyond me playing lab-rat to a group of people who've already displayed some major incompetence...as with the medication, to much risk of making it way way worse for no payoff.

So that's that. My psychiatrist was great and we had a long chat about stuff and how they could improve procedures there. said that if it worsens severely in the future I can get referred again and tat if I keep up-to-date with things in the rea of OCD and spot any new treatments then to bring it to their attention (yeah I know, but he meant well). Very sympathetic to things and clearly a little disillusioned with the psychologists dept himself - a genuinely nice guy.

Anyway - that's it. Is an odd feeling and have had the past few days to myself trying to suss out how I feel about finally hitting the point I always dreaded, that of 'there's essentially nothing more that can be done for you Mr Drew - this appears to be as good as it's going to be for you in the forseeable future. Bye'. It's not fun tbh, though there's also an odd sense of relief and stability in knowing that (in all likelihood) I've now got the mental measurements of the best and worst extents my OCD can take me to and can now plan around them.

Beyond that I don't think I'm ready to think about the future...am dimly aware that some pasrt of me has already reviewed it and came to a pessimistic outcome, but will deal with that when I'm up to it.

You know you're old when....

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 10:30:53 GMT

...it takes having a hospital referral to get your balls played with.

Yes, finally saw the GP today and have been referred to a specialist about it. Opened with a joke - "Doc, I suffer from undescended testes and its taken this long for me to get the balls to come and see you!" - which, as ever, failed to get a smile. Will keep trying.

Anyways, as expected, shoulda been spotted before I was a year old and wasn't. Been referred to a surgeon about it - having someone that near to my nuts with a knife (however little there is to cut) does not fill me with confidence but has to be done. And the stats were right - makes the chances of testicular cancer way, way higher (even with the corrective surgery) and chances of fertility pretty much zero. Ho hum.

Also referred to a sleep clinic about the suspected sleep apnea. Apparently you get given oxygen to take before sleep and that helps a lot. Again, the thought that this means I'm not getting enough whilst I sleep atm isn't gonna help me slumber easily 'til I see them!!

Aside from that - OCD has been a little manic of late but finally calming down. Mostly triggered as a result of the relationship 'issues' I've spoken about. Let's just leave it at a simple 'oops, shouldn't have happened after all' and pretend it didn't. Much easier I think and wiser. Mum's health = crap still. Saturday approaches with some trepidation but I think we'll be ok...

An overly-dramatic pause...

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 00:52:22 GMT

Just occured to me that I haven't updated you folks in a while - and the last one was all serious and worrying. It may be that many of you could have thought that a bad sign.

Well.....

....no, not really.

Honest answer? I bottled out of the doctors appt, folks. Have never done it before but just wasn't in the right place in my head to go through a series of medically-induced scrotal exploits (am proud of that phrase). The appintment has been rebooked for 2 weeks time, alongside a 6-month diabetic check-up so i guess I'll find out more then. Will be fun as I have to bring up my whole 'sleep apnea' thing that it seems I may suffer from as well. Apparently its worried a few people now that I snore major loud BUT not quite normally.

Let me explain (this may have been in a previous entry but hey, am feeling lyrical atm). I don't appear to snore regularly. What I apparently do is let off a massive, rasping snore and then....nothing. And I mean nothing. For about 10-12 seconds I appear, to all intents and purposes, like I'm not breathing at all. The suddenly I snore again (like a snorey type of gasp for breath) and do it all again. Not only is it bloody loud (who knows, may be waking myself up which'd explain the insomnia) but has scared the hell out of Mum, Pete and others who've seen it. Mum almost slapped me to make me wake up and breath a few weeks ago. Probably deserved it. Anyway, a bit of research says this sounds like a disorder called 'sleep apnea' so 'tis another one to add to the list.

Oh - and there's more (am turning into Dr Finlay). Turns out my Uncle's death last year has been confirmed as an aneurysm. Same as my grandad, great uncle and similar to nana. Looks like I need to bring it up as there's a chance of needing some regular checks for it. Then again, they've admitted to my other Uncle that they may not see one, it can form suddenly etcetc - so not much point really.

One more ailment and I'll feel ready for a Romero movie.

So...other stuff.

The OCD continues to confirm what I suspected at the September psych report. When I don't push it, live within the boundaries etc, it may be boring, non-productive and limiting but it keeps me sane. When I push a bit, it sends the whole stress thing nuts. Still seems to confirm I have the associated GAD. Have an appointment with the psych in 3-4 weeks time so we'll see. For the mo, long-standing mate Glenn has been the biggest victim with a huge bad spell (biggest for 9 months or so) wiping me out of his stag night, and a smaller one I'm on atm making his wedding on Saturday look unlikely. Am comprehensively gutted and hate letting the guy down. Naturally, others have suffered with rare visits of late (as ever) - apols to you all folks and thanks for understanding (and stop feeling guilty, Mr G).

Stresswise, other stuff has contributed. The female friend I talked about and I have hit a strange place in our relationship. It's complicated tbh, and I don't want to betray any trusts or secrets of hers. Suffice to say the intent/wish is there from both of us to take things beyond the 'friends' stage in a more permanent relationship sense to see how it goes BUT we both have some major issues from the past to deal with first....issues that, whilst undealt with or worked through makes that kind of a relationship impossible. It's frustrating but no-ones fault (well, not strictly true - lets just say neither of ours) so, for the moment (and simply to allow me to cope tbh), we're acting as friends with each other until she's ready to move it forward. That could be a long time - a very long time - so it makes most sense to concentrate on staying friends and let it happen when its ready to.

Far more to it - but its complicated. As you can imagine, it's a confused situation which may as well have a bullseye painted on it for my OCD to hit during a 'spell', which it did doa few weeks ago. Funfunfun. Plus I guess I never realised how difficult it would be for me to cope with the idea of non-singledom too. You get used to ways of life and adapting certain ftw attitudes I guess, just for self-protection. And they're far harder to bring down then to put up.

Aside from that, lotsa stuff about Mum basically not being very well and the doctors being next-to-useless in finding out what's wrong with her (one GPs answer was that she 'didnt have a clue' - not confidence-inspiring in truth, second only to the 'what do you think we should do?' response (you're the doctor, try telling me?), and her employers treating her like crap tbh.

Oh, and in two weeks' time is the cheery event of the year anniversary since Nana passed on. As if Mum wasn't stressed and low enough atm...

Put the razors away, folks - things are bound to get cheerier at some point!

What has amused me is how people are incapable of reading between the lines when you tell them your relationship with someone is 'complicated'. Now, to me, using that word is simple. It means 'its a long story - even if you did understand it, you don't really want to hear it and you'll get bored way before the end. I'm doing you a favour in that one-word summing up. take the hint. Back the f*ck off'. For some, though, the response of 'really - why's that?' just can't be resisted. As a result, I've taken to a couple of different responses:

a) The faintly ludicrous one. "Well, the problem is that she has this ambition to be at the 2012 Olympics yet I haven't the heart to tell her that you can't do the long jump in a wheelchair so we've been dodging the issue. I just know she wants me to be the one to tip her out at the end of the runway into the sandpit".

b) The intensely awkward one. "I'm still getting to grips with her flagrant leprosy".

These tend to kill conversation lines quicker then mentioning how much you loved 2 Unlimited in the 90s.

Anyway, back to it.

Anyone who read last night's drunken blog entry...

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 11:16:04 GMT

....just pretend it never happened. Has been deleted.

*blush*

New relationship, same old testicles

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 14:16:03 GMT

Now THERE'S a title for you...

Time for a few updates, lifewise.

First - new relationships. Facebook types will have noticed on Tuesday that my relationship status changed to 'it's complicated'. In fact, was deluged with texts and emails asking for more info. probably surprised to see it happen on a day that wasn't April 1.

Well....it's complicated. The clue was in the title. Obviously not gonna go into it too much, but me and a long-standing female friend who've been close for a long time saw each other again for the first time in a year or two and (eventually) after some talking and hugging, some lip-locking occured that night and the following day when I left. Was a shock in the nicest sense of the word (had professed my affection for her a number of years ago but, though we were very close, that 'spark' wasn't there for her) but my anxiety has had a field day with it since. Not about whether we should have (felt hugely right to me and knocked down most of those self-protection barriers about "not being bothered" which us humans always put up after being a little rejected) but about what happens next, y'know? She's had a rough time and is still confused about things - even about whether that 'spark' IS there I guess, despite what happened (ok, the fact it happened again the next day suggests it is and things have changed but most of you know me well enough to know I need to be smacked round the head with things a few times to take them in). Am hoping to visit her in a few weeks time and I guess I'm just thinking - what if it isn't? I mean, it wouldn't harm us as friends at all (we've been through worse and never went so far that it couldn't easily be pulled back) but it'd hurt like hell for a while. Wouldn't be her fault at all - just one of those things (was me who instigated the kissing after all).

Plus, if things are still there, I know we can both be a little reticent about being open sometimes after being hurt in the past and the worst thing that a disorder like mine can have is indecision. If it's all good then we go from there. If it's a non-runner, it'll hurt but you get on with it. 'Tis the being unsure and being in limbo that my anx has a field day with. Again, wanna stress it isn't her fault and I told her that there's no pressure (no need to inflict my shortcomings on her) but I just need to be careful not to think this one to death before its even had a chance. Fingers crossed folks, anyway.

As for the other reference in the title...am worried about some medical stuff at the moment. One of the lesser things is that friends and family have been pointing out to me for a while that my sleeping is a bit 'odd'. I thought it was just snoring, but apparently not. By all accounts I appear (to all intents and purposes) to entirely stop breathing for anywhere between 6-15 seconds before taking one almighty, rasping gasp of air and doing the same thing again. Cher did some looking around and this looks to be a condition called 'sleep apnea' with numeous causes. May explain my sleep problems (then again, may not) but a little concerning to know people have nearly slapped me round the face whilst I slept to make sure I was breathijng. Normally it's to try and stop me!

Anyway...testicles. A delicate subject but anyone who's read this blog for a length of time knows it's dealt with worse and, in today's age with cancer scares and stuff, the taboo shouldn't be there really. I think I have some problems in that area and am seeing the GP about it next week (actually bottled out of an appt about it this morning). Not exactly a bodily area us blokes compare (unless you're a certain type of bloke I guess) but have been aware for a while that, to be blunt, mine should be a bit more...well, present and dangly!

Dangly - great word! The phrase 'the meat still seems present and correct but the two veg have disappeared from the plate' ranks alongside it.

Being a fella you get all macho and just ignore the problem (tbh have had other things that get far more use on my mind) but know I've suffered from occasional discomfort and real pain there for well over 15 years or so. Over the past few years its concerned me more though - we've all heard the advice about regular checking for lumps etc and that's been almost impossible for me to do. Then a friend actually found a lump on his, which made me even more concerned. So I thought I'd try looking the condition up on some of the BMA and NHS sites.

Only to find there really IS a condition - and it isn't good. Has a fancy latin name but is commonly called 'undescended testis', which pretty much covers it. Apparently it does happen and is meant to be spotted and corrected in the first 12-18 months of life. Except (and trust me - even before seeing a GP, making a positive self-diagnosis is pretty easy in this case) it doesn't look like it was. In adult males it really isn't good at all. Not only is the chance of infertility massively, massively high (don't like kids anyway but the option would be handy) but the chance of people with the condition - even when corrected - getting growths/tumors (aka cancer) there are estimated to be 20 times more then the average fella.

You can now see why I'm a bit worried, to say the least. And I haven't even got a decent soprano voice from it - bastard.

Anyway, will keep you all updated on the situations I guess (won't duck out of the appt next week, I just have a bad feeling about it). OCDwise, things still seem fairly level - if I don't push it, it doesn't push me.

Later,

You're all very cruel...

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 12:50:18 GMT

...I mean, if someone texted ME and said they were having a dream about being in a pub, overstretching themselves whilst trying to squeeze past seated people and losing their balance and then woke up to find themselves falling out of bed after sleep-reenacting the same thing I'd have some sympathy.

I wouldn't be part of near 20 people texting me with variations of 'lmao'.

Actually - I probably would be.

Repeatedly.

The lengths I go to for your entertainment.

Jesus Christ - Vampire Hunter

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 12:14:57 GMT

If you're anything like me, just a title like the one for this entry alone should have got your attention.

About 18 months ago, whilst browsing through EBay's DVD section, I came across a DVD called 'Jesus Christ - Vampire Hunter'. Now that's a title that screams to be looked at and, as a developing prospector of filmic crap, promised to yield a sizeable nugget. So after having a look, decided to bid on it - purely on the strength of its title and because the tagline on the front of the dvd cover ('The power of Christ impales you') made me chuckle for an hour solid.

£8 later it was mine.

But...such a film requires certain viewing conditions. Watching the first 10 minutes with Lizz confirmed this and led to me turning it off on that run. A film which has, in its first 10 minutes, lesbian vampires asking where all the lesbians have gone, a vicar with a mohican on a moped and JC fighting vampires on a local beach with kung-fu before launching into a musical number after a haircut - AND has been made on a true budget of $0 which makes some YouTube creations look like Close Encounters - well that can only be appreciated by true followers of the crapola path.

And so there it sat awaiting such an audience. 3 nights ago, it found it in myself, Pete and Angie. At 1am, after a few beers and silly games. The perfect viewing time and audience had been discovered.

It has been many years since a film has reduced me to such laughter that I was in intense physical pain, scraming for someone to stop the film because I was in danger of some kind of enormous prolapse. Years since I watched a film that gradually dropped my jaw to the point where people were using it as a footrest. I'd feared - god knows how I'd feared - something so dreadful as to reach the level of 'Manos, Hands of Fate' (it haunts me still). But not JC:VH - here we have such a level of inept sincerity, of honest endeavour to make a proper film against the insurmountable problem of having no money and a complete disregard for such petty things as taste, acting ability, mood, generic consistency that it transcends rubbish...it is triumphantly awful.

It's hard to describe the plot, not because there isn't one but because you won't particularly care about it after the first 5 minutes. To give it a stab anyway...vampires appear to be targetting lesbians across the city and the church (which apparently has a huge lesbian element in its congregation - this may be a cunning plot invention) is troubled by how few people are turning up as a result. The answer is to get the big JC on the case who, rather then needing some kind of summoning ceremony, appears to have been baptising people for the past two millenia on a beach in Los Angeles. As he goes into battle against the vampires and occasional atheist through the art of kung-fu and the odd musical number, he's aided by red jump-suited sidekick Mary Magnum and (for reasons which even now make no sense) famous masked mexican wrestler El Santos. No - really. We haven't even told you about the desserts.

There are too many highlights to do justice to. What's admirable is that despite the terrible budget, the writers (possibly accidentally) actually do a reasonable job. There are some fantastic references to, and comedic uses of, Bible verses throughout - not sacrilegous in my opinion but, as at one point Jesus has a chat with his 'Mom' via the medium of a 5cm tall plastic, day-glo Virgin Mary figure lit up with a torch, they'll probably not see the joke. Jesus' main mode of transportation appears to be either moped or dirt-bike and a 1/3 of the way through the film, he goes for a haircut and clothes refitting which leaves him looking like a normal person entirely. We can only assume the JC costume in the first 10 minutes was borrowed from the shop for an hour and they had to get it back. Why the climax is filmed in a car scrapyard remains something of a mystery but, by that point, you'll go along with anything (the chance to jump off car bonnets in slo-mo may explain it), even the villains that pop out of the car boots that for some unknown reason have masks on.

The following moments stick in the mind though:

- JC has a mass kung-fu fight with around 50-60 atheists pretty early on. All of which appear to come from the same SUV vehicle. I know these things are spacious but, once you got past number 15, it was taking it too far.

- Every fight has the kind of wonderfully bad, dubbed-on karate sound you dream of. Blows land which are literally a few FEET away from the target and it appears the sound-effect for JC hitting his head is one of knocking your knuckles on a hollow tree.

- JC blessing the beer in a barful of lesbian vampires and spitting it upon his foes as an alcoholic holy fosters spout attack.

BUT...halfway through, 2 lines in around a 5 minutes spell will have the same effect on you as an Ali left-right combo. The first comes from Dr Pretorius, evil scientist for the vampires:

"We're running short on skin. We'll need to harvest more lesbians."

Now, however bad a film is, that's not a line you EVER expect to hear. What you REALLY don't expect is for it to be followed up within minutes by JC being sat at a restaurant table with a dessert dish in front of him, the contents of which suddenly (I shit you not) smile at him and for him to mutter the immortal phrase:

"Is that you, bowl of cherries?"

3 days on, my sides still hurt from that double whammy. Before that we were still wondering how even a film like this was going to lever in the appearance of a masked Mexican wrestler as a main character - when God tells Jesus to go fetch him via the medium of a bowl of cherries and ice-cream (which JC still eats in a monumental act of deity cannibalism), you realise it really doesn't matter.

It is impossible not to admire the sheer lenghts - and depths - that the film-makers here have gone to in order to create their film. Making any kind of film, let alone one with moments of such inspired (awful, but inspired) invention as this, with no cash deserves a huge round of applause and some recognition. A cult following has deservedly built up around it and long may it continue, as it is far more worthy of the tag then many other far more expensive oddities. Just make sure you watch it with the right people, in the right atmosphere, with the right amount of alcohol and without any muscular injuries that could be triggered by laughter convulsions.

Bah Bumhug!

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 23:54:21 GMT

'Tis the season to be mentally challenged, paranoid and bark at the moon it seems.

Ah well - the OCD cycle hit its low point for enough days to allow me to have a breather and sort some stuff out at least. Had an inkling over the weekend that it was starting to gear itself up again so had to cram in a trip to Robs & Nicks last night in the knowledge that it'd probably aggravate it but, as it'd be a while 'til it calms down again anyway, it'd be worth it. On the plus side it was good to catch up with them in person, I had some very nice spaghetti bolognese, 'Jarhead' was a good film and I managed to pick up Mum's final two presents on a 1am trip to Tesco's.

On the minus side, the whole mental tiredness thing as the result of a new cycle starting kicked in some OCD and depression post-visit and a few scenes in 'Jarhead' what I expected and put me on edge (fuelling the fire seems to be a self-infliction trick i'm particularly good at). Found Nana playing on my mind a lot as well last night, so resorted to some late night depression-eating (not proud of it but the occasion demands it sometimes) and sat up 'til 3am or so. Sometimes the only defence is to exhaust yourself.

Still - was worth it. I think something you learn with this (over time) is that it's gonna get you whatever you do - you just have to pick your battles at the time you think you can best deal with the after-effects in order to have even a semblance of normality.

So today was a quiet day, spent in the company of an early-morning diazepam and regular naps. Not particularly productive but pretty much the best I could do. Had a hunt around the 'net for that most elusive of creatures, the 'work at home online job', but am starting to think they may be a myth.

Anyway, I'd say I'm now off to bed but I've fallen into the regular trap of spotting 'Die Hard' on TV and being unable to tear myself away from it (it's a great film after all).

Yipee-Ki-Aye, folks.

T2Ds Songs of 2007 - The Definitive List

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 13:06:45 GMT

Ok folks - just as in the last year or two, here's a list of all things T2D have thought musicall wonderful over the past 12 months. 'Tis a bit different this time around, insomuch as the lists are split between the Top 20 Club tunes and Top 20...well, non-Club tunes. Oh, and before I list them, I was sorely tempted to put Peter Bjorn and John's 'Young Folks' at no.1 for the 2nd year running (it was reissued so technically admittable) - just assume these are the charts without that in them :). Here they are...:

TOP 20 TRACKS OF 2007 (non-club)

1. Editors - Smokers outside the hospital doors (4:54)
2. Newton Faulkner - Teardrop (3:09)
3. Kaiser Chiefs - The Angry Mob (4:48)
4. Amy Winehouse - Back To Black (4:01)
5. Ian Brown - Illegal Attacks (4:04)
6. Newton Faulkner - Dream Catch Me (3:57)
7. Foo Fighters - The Pretender (4:29)
8. The klaxons - Golden skans (2:43)
9. Fightstar - We Apologise For Nothing (Single Version) (4:16)
10. Nickelback - Rockstars (4:14)
11. The Wombats - Lets Dance To Joy Division (3:13)
12. Beirut - Elephant Gun (5:50)
13. Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby (gq) (3:21)
14. Take that - Shine (3:31)
15. Kings of leon - On call (3:22)
16. The Enemy - Had Enough (2:39)
17. Milburn - Send In The Boys (2:44)
18. Air Traffic - Charlotte (2:24)
19. Feist - 1234 (3:03)
20. Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah (3:52)

AND...

TOP 20 CLUB TRACKS OF 2007

1. The Chemical Brothers - Electronic Battle Weapon 8 (6:15)
2. Roisin Murphy - Overpowered (Seamus Haji Remix) (8:08)
3. Justice - Waters Of Nazareth (Erol Alkan's Durrr Durrr Durrrrrr Re-Edit) (6:10)
4. Freemasons - Uninvited (Club Mix) (7:55)
5. Calvin harris - Acceptable in the 80's (ext) (5:33)
6. Kanye West - Stronger (5:14)
7. Alan braxe vs kris menace - Lumberjack (6:25)
8. Mason vs princess superstar - Perfect exceeder (6:43)
9. Arno cost & arias - Magenta (original mix) (9:16)
10. Dirty South vs The Doors - This Is The End (Dirty South Remix) (7:14)
11. Splitter - All alone (5:41)
12. Trashcan Jack v Billy Idol - Club Wedding (3:41)
13. Peplab - Et (Peplab Classix Treat) (7:10)
14. The gossip - Standing in the way of control (soulwax nite version) (6:54)
15. Meat Katie - Stop The Revolution (D Ramirez) (5:58)
16. Claude Vonstroke - The Whistler (Vandalism Vocal Remix) (6:13)
17. Axwell Ft. Max'c - I Found U (5:07)
18. Mark ronson - Stop me (3:58)
19. Spektrum - Kinda new (dirty south mix) (6:44)
20. Elektrons - Dirty Basement (3:34)

Verdict: Lacking a lot of quality in the non-dance field this year (has been a really weak '07 in terms of decent rock tracks, with the exception of the Foos), it was left to indie to lead the way with the likes of The Editors, Klaxons, Enemy and Kaiser Chiefs. Still, there was room for some pop with Take That's annoyingly infectious 'Shine' making an appearance. Newton Faulkner surely wins best newcomer for 2007 and some honorable mentions for the little-known Beirut and the much-maligned Fightstar, whose 'We Apologise For Nothing' proved a welcome surprise.

Clubwise, the banal eurodance seemed to ease of this year leaving some true deep house and uplifting techno gems. EBW 8 came out in the 1st week of '07 and was never bettered, surely deserving a full-scale release sometime soon. Expect to see 'Overpowered' get a re-release as well, whilsy Justice finally start to deliver on the hype with the awesome 'Waters of Nazareth' (currently huge Stateside). Huge breakthroughs for Mark Ronson and Calvin Harris see them represented in the 20, whilst keep an eye out for Dirty South's remix of 'The End' and the infectious reworking of Billy Idol's 'White Wedding' by Trashcan Jack - both may well do something in the coming months.

Anyway, the top 5 of each is now playing on the frontpage - enjoy!

My Friend's Dog Has OCD...

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 05:08:44 GMT

True story.

Stop waiting for a punchline.

Guess who's back? Back again...

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 11:22:20 GMT

Nightmare.

2 weeks w/o internet access for a social semi-recluse? DON'T recommend it, folks. Fair to say that, when Sky told me they'd messed up the replacement router being delivered after the first week, a number of dents appeared in walls around the bungalow. Still, all seems to be working ok so far. Fingers crossed that, along with the new CPU, this'll mean WoW works again...

Other updates...ok, OCDwise it hasn't been great. In truth, the whole year has been poor regarding my OCD and (I guess) suggests that the condition has deteriorated a little. What IS clear is that my own interpretation and approach to it has been flawed. I think I expected it to get far easier once I'd got a decent handle on my two main obsessive areas where as the truth is that getting control of them has simply made me realise just how much it affects everything. Those two areas were just so disturbing that they kinda masked everything else - now I've got them under control, that has become clearer.

Also...I'm just a bit worried about the medical side of it too. Everything has been put down to an aspect of my OCD regarding the weird heads (not headaches, more like a pressure/soreness of the brain), accompanying mood swings and physical/mental anxiety levels that go with it...but given the family events this year, part of me wonders whether it could also be something else. Don't want to get paranoid but perhaps I should ask a little more about it. This really seems to be cyclical now, with the gaps in between when I'm relatively feeling ok becoming shorter and shorter - worrying.

Mum is still going through tests and waiting on results for things. The negative on the cancer was a relief but the problems are still there - they now suspect a kidney issue and we're waiting for results to come through about it. Has been a terribly hard year for her and I worry about her health a great deal as a result. Christmas itself isn't helping - too many memories of Nana I guess - and I think she'll be glad just to see it through and get it out of the way. Have done the best I can with prezzies for her (won't be looking at the bank balance for a while!) but I think festiveness may be in short supply this year.

Anyway, that kinda covers things for the mo.

Snippet: Things That Make You Go 'Why'd They Bother?'

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 11:23:29 GMT

Perfumed toilet roll.

If ever an item has been invented that's fighting a losing battle from the off, surely it's this one.

Or maybe just REARguard action.

*groan*

Late nights, old flames...

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 01:44:20 GMT

These late nights must be finally getting to me...

For all my cynicism re: relationships of late and my thinly-veiled negative self-attitude, it only takes being up at 1am and being in a relaxed, thoguhtful and vaguely nostalgic-cum-melancholy/slightly lonely mood to see that mask slip a little.

Found myself surfing Facebook looking for old flames of all things!!! *lol* Thought it was a cliche that I'd always refused to do, yet here I am having looked round. Perhaps thankfully I didn't find any (probably so traumatised that they're keeping 'off the grid' *grins*) but did make me think, y'know? Maybe, really, I'm so anti-relationship regarding myself because somewhere in there the old me, who always craved one, has never disappeared - just got repressed like hell as my OCD and other things stepped in and it became less and less likely.

*sigh* I don't know - maybe it's easier like this then to ever let that part of me back out of the bag. He'd take a hell of a lot of coaxing now anyway methinks!

Still...it's strange. I can think of 3 women I've been involved with in some way that a part of me for some reason wishes it could contact again. One a long-term relationship a long, long time ago (in a galaxy etc...), one someone who I was also a friend of her family to who it just never happened with - yet it always seemed a mistake that it didn't, and another a uni friend who I had a 'moment' with a few years later. Not necessarily for any romantic reason (though that would be funny I admit), more because I guess those connections with others don't happen often. When they do - even if nothing comes of them - maybe it's worth making the most of whatever they can be/end up being, even if it's nothing serious in 'that' way.

Babble.

Snippet: Alas poor WoW...

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 00:42:13 GMT

...but it looks much like your days of me subscribing to you are numbered.

Finally went to extreme measures over weekend in a last-ditch bid to get it working and reformatted the whole machine. Trust me - for someone who more then once has been on the end of a admiringly horrified "I didn't think it was possible to break it like that" from more then one computer teccy (the registry always tempts me back...), a full format is a risky thing.

Did it and the computer is lovely and smooth. The game still doesn't work though and, with tech support seemingly incapable of replying, looks like thats my RPGing up for the forseeable.

*sigh*.

Snippet - strange Facebook friends...

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 00:34:53 GMT

Let's face it, to put up with me you have to have a sense of humour - and my facebook buddies have emonstrated it beautifully in their answers to the 'Compare Me' app on it.

Somehow I've managed to win votes on 'Like to Kiss', 'Sexy', 'Attractive' and 'Dancer' *lol*.

This immediately begs the question - my god, who are some of you lot friends with in that even I can win a vote against them for such things???!! A hunt for the strangest-looking, most repulsive individuals on the site has now commenced now that I'm safe in the knowledge that there are worse out there *grin*.

Ok, I'm not THAT bad but lets be fair - lower barrel material on a VERY dark night :P. The losres have my pity.

Huge relief but a disappointing lack of beaver

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 09:58:48 GMT

Finally some good news - Mum had her tests yesterday at the hospital and there's no sign of cancer in the bladder. Assuming the blood tests don't say something odd (which I am assuming, as they're now looking for what else her problem could be), it isn't cancer. Finally sunk in this morning and am very, very relieved. Ok, Mum still has the problem and it looks like it may be a kidney issue - which isn't great - but it isn't cancer. Now let's hope Dad comes through with a negative as well after his next bout of tests.

OCD been going mad, can't sleep properly (even less then normal), etcetc. Oh, and Footie Manager 2008 is horribly addictive and proving a good fix for me whilst Warcraft isn't working.

And I'm disappointed with Bill Oddie - he promised 'plenty of beaver action' the other night on BBC2. I must have misread the meaning.

Re-defining my Disorder - what it really IS...

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 05:40:39 GMT

This is an important blog entry, I think.

For near 2 months I've not been able to shut down mentally and it's been driving me mad, this need to really pin down my OCD as it changes and writhes around. Has taken a night without sleep (a regular thing but, this time, not even broken sleep) for me to suddenly nail it...

I'm an an obsessive thinker. I never really appreciated that before but that's the true core of my disorder. I think I've lived somehow in the belief that if I could get to grips with and 'solve' my two main obsessions over the past 10 years about inappropriate sexual reactions and the fears around them that I would be 'cured'.

That's not true and it never was.

It's taken me 10 years to get those issues under control, to regain my confidence and figure out what's real and what isn't. That's to an extent, of course - those triggers never fully disappear, they just become easier to subdue and control - but, by and large, the worst of them have now faded....

...and have allowed me to fully expose what's underneath. Y'see, they're an effect - they're not a cause. The same as all OCD sufferers, you're taught to try and control the effects in the hope that doing so, in conjunction with medication, will alleviate the stress and lessen the cause. The problem is, which is now clear to me, the cause is a need to obsessively think. And that can be about ANYTHING. It isn't constrained to one area like contamination or counting - deprive it of when outlet and it'll simply find another. Of all and it will either create one or slowly grind you down about perfectly normal things as you never, ever switch off.

Am starting to grasp that this really is bigger then I thought and that it really is incurable. Have never accepted it properly before but, as I grow to see the nature of it, I grow to see I have to. You can';t treat it as there;'s nothing for psychologists, even non-inept ones, to get hold of. They can teach you (or you can teach yourself) how to cope with the effects if they flow into a specific area, but not a general, constant level of thought. I can't medicate any further due to my diabetes and bad side-effects. Plus that's been so unsuccessful so far, any further meds are the ones less liable to cure it. This is a rarer form of OCD - it's even harder to treat then the others.

So there you have it. The best way to deal with it and the way it fluctuates seems to be to starve it. Unless you're in a rare minimal obsessive spell, any form of stress or responsibility can drive you spare. Even when you are in one of those spells, you must be very careful - mental strength/tolerance and ability burns out very, very quickly. In general, you can do short bursts of fairly unstressful stuff (like supermarket shopping) but then need a fair bit of recovery time as mentally you end up tired out. Interaction with people is difficult and, unless in right mood, will burn you out very very quick. Distraction is a bit of a myth - if it's something non-stressful and interesting then it can help within the span of you doing it. But if you're not in a great spell even that'll be too much - or the instant you stop the thinking is back straight away. You can't make any committments appointment-wise without a degree of warning to the party concerned that it depends what you're like on the day and the job that accomodates such flexibility that'd be needed for you to attempt it doesn't exist. In extreme cases you can push it a bit - times of extreme stress/grief etc actually give it a focus or can prove a distraction from your current obsession - however, it has to be really exceptional circumstance-wise and, once over, you end up decimated.

Ultimately on the rare periods that it's at a low ebb you can do 'normal' things but have to be wary of burnout, normally you're very limited in what you can do mentally/socially and @ its worst you just have to baton down the hatches and totally isolate yourself 'til it goes off.

There - finally got it down on here. Maybe that'll help me control thinking about it all the time.

One Day I'll Leave a Cheerful Blog Entry.....

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 08:32:34 GMT

....won't be THIS one but I live in hope.

I'm currently doing everything I can to stop going out of my mind with worry since last night - and not doing very well. Mum had an appt at the doctors last night about a bladder problem that flared up 3 months ago (though she's always had some issues with it) and hasn't responded to antibiotics. Has been referred to a Ureathologist about it as her sample was still 'full of blood'. That's fair enough - could be all kinds of things causing it.

Unfortunately, the GP (after she'd sat down) said 'of course, it could be a small cancer. Something's bleeding in there'.

Yes, I know - the likelihood is that it isn't. Even if it was, may be benign. Even if not benign, caught early enough etc. But the fact that the GP jumped to that one first? That's scared the hell out of me. Anyone who knows Mum knows that her health isn't all that great...*frustrated look* and of course, all I'm doing is just putting the pieces together to make the worst looking picture. Can't help it, folks - after the way the past 16 months or so have gone...Worst thing is, there's just this huge, looming cancer-topic monster stood there with us whenever we're talking for me since last night, which we're both aware of but neither want to acknowledge. Nothing we can do 'til she goes to see this specialist. Is just scary just how much even the SUGGESTION of it being anything like that can shake you up.

Oh, and that's not all. After leaving Dad's last week, he came out with me for our customary post-visit natter on the way to the car. Now, Dad's a natural hypochondriac - if he's felt a twinge, his leg may be falling off (even if it's in the elbow). That's not saying he faks things - he's had quite a few injuries in work etc - but Dad does talk about them a lot. However, he's had some serious stomach probs over the past few years and was told he may need an op 'only normally given to people 10-15 years older then him' a while back. This month he's in to see his specialists for 2 appointments - and it turns out he's scared as hell. Lots of blood where there shouldn't be blood and a lot more pain then he's let on to others...and for the past few weeks the thought that it may be cancer has been worrying him a lot as well.

Again - probably isn't. But add that to Mum's GP visit last night and I'm more then a little pre-occupied with worry, it's fair to say.

Bang, and the good spell is gone...

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 05:19:13 GMT

Another example where I hit mental burnout through OCD and only retrospectively see that i'd been approaching it for a week or so. This is getting to be a habit and, in truth, I need to recover a little more of my guardedness re: my symptoms. Still haven't managed to do so since I went backwards ocd-wise at the start of the year and, seeing as I don't appear to be returning to where I was anytime soon, I need to be a bit more wary.

Experts may so 'that's the wrong approach' but that really only applies to recovery and the mythical cure. Have hit that brick wall already, so this is about control.

Mixture of 2 things sent me over the edge this time. Firstly the same one that's been plaguing me on-and-off for months, the acceptance of my illness issue. My OCD has always had something more disturbing to throw itself into, so never realised just how powerful a problem this was 'til now. Knew it was (spent 6-7 years fighting it thru working and uni etc after all) but has just been focused on more lately since the last pcych appt I guess.

The other one, I suspect, is routine being disturbed. One of the more cliched OCD symptoms to suffer from that i thought I'd avoided tbh, but am starting to notice part of me that really HATES routine being disrupted - and I mean anything, to the point of being actively upset and disturbed by it. Have to keep an eye on that.

Not a fun week...

Freaky Thinky Coincidences

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 11:06:00 GMT

Saw something yesterday that sparked off mucho thinking...

Randomly switched on 'Scrubs' mid-afternoon - haven't watched it in well over a year. Was an episode with Michael J Fox in and, right at the end, the revelation that his character has OCD is made...and when it's made, the music it uses is an obscure Coldplay track from their first album called 'Everything's Not Lost'.

The same song I used as a backing track for sufferers' testimonies about their OCD during the radio charity appeal a few years ago.

Freaked me out tbh - a song well-linked with a cause is one thing, as is a well-known song that was commercially successful. But this one is neither, nor is it explicitly linked to OCD (to my knowledge anyway). I guess it shook me a little to know there's someone out there - whoever picked that song for that moment - who must be on a damn similar wavelength to me. Only another sufferer would know how apt that one is...

Yes, kicked off some old memories and (as a predictable result) some over-analysis of me atm as well - no new revelations (my OCD is semi-under control though has its moments but my general mental strength is (seemingly) irreperably f*cked) but perspective at least. I have come a long way since 10 years ago....damn, even since 3 years ago. If progress is slow and the past year has pretty much halted then be thankful for the place it has reached I guess.

Ho hum.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 10:14:10 GMT

The ritualistic chant of the obsessive thinker. Doesn't work, but it beats smacking your head against a nearby wall to take your mind off things.

Yep, not a good spell at all - still the same one that's been there on and off since the last psych appointment, where I went over-analytical on my brief OCD drop-off after the diabetes skit last summer. One of those nightmare spells where it takes very little thought about it to mentally lock yourself up for the best part of the day and end up turning to the diazepam.

The thing is, the longer you have an obsessional streak about something, the more you learn how to combat it using CBT and (if not stop it) learn to 'ride it out' without poking at it until the spell subsides. This one's a newer one that I haven't figured out yet - hence am having more issues calming it down.

Worst thing is - the answer to last year's riddle (why the hell did my OCD have a massive drop-off for 4 to 6 weeks after my diabetes hospital fun) actually has no answer! The psychs are mystified about it. For a disorder that plays on any element of doubt or lack of certainty, it makes it hell.

On some level I think I realise that not only does it not matter but that there is no one answer. Most likely there are elements of a few: being forced to totally 100% rest for a while (even more than normal) would have allowed my mental levels to build up a little reserve in the tank, having something that major probably distracted my attention from it for a while (same happened when nana died - eventually you pay the piper when it catches up on you) and, back then, a 'good spell' could last up to a few weeks. Not just that but OCD tends to f*ck with your memory - I'm told my memory of being OCD-free back then really wasn't the case, it was just there at a lower level for a while (and am starting to vaguely remember that myself).

Ultimately for some reason that whole diabetes near-death type thing subdued it for a while. It was an anomaly and impossible to reproduce I guess. Sooner or later, that'll sink in. 'Til then - leave it alone!

A big hello to Facebook users - HELLO!

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 09:00:16 GMT

Ok, so I finally gave in to a bombardment of emails and generally hasslesome individuals and made a facebook a/c (happy Elizabeth?) - and have found the place mightily addictive.

Anyways - seeing as I founda n app to add blog details to facebook, it seems a good idea to give newbie visitors a briefish intro to me to let you flee now before deciding to after ploughing through the rest of the blog. So...

...my true identity is that of a sexually insatiable, handsome 25 year-old international spy-cum-playboy with an Oxford education and the ability to play the piano, sitar and spoons at the same time...

...unfortunately, the spy aspect has required to me to assume the life of a 33 year-old, overweight, overtall and overhairy diabetic ex-goth with vague memories of moshpits and old-skool DJing who suffers from one of the rarer forms of mental disorder OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) referred to as 'pure o' or 'obsessive thinking'.

Have a degree from UWE in Bristol. pursued a media career in journalism for a while but the OCD finally got the better of me and haven't worked since 2004 (and the chances of doing so again to any real level seem pretty unlikely). After a big diabetes scare last year where I was rushed into hospital, has been a rough 15 months or so - still, am now off of insulin and, ocdwise, may not be all that stable but it is at least predictable as I try to rebuild things from the '04 breakdown.

Bah, sounds rubbish doesn't it? Guess it's not great but still try and have the odd chuckle and keep a humorously philosophical/cynical view on things (acc to many). Spend most of my time on the 'net (socialising is tricky and tends to be spur-of-the-moment due to my disorder), working on the blog and (more recently) having some fun on World of Warcraft.

What a catch *grin*.

Vivid Dreams of Doorbells...

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 05:52:13 GMT

It's 6:42am. Been up for just over an hour after a stretch of semi-sleepless nights and early mornings (is an OCD thing). Feel ok (if a little tired), not doped up, not drunk, thinking straight. These facts are important....

...as at 5:30am I'd swear the doorbell went.

Not just once, but twice. With the appropriate gap you'd leave to give someone a chance to hear it and start making their way to the door before doing it again.

Didn't, of course. Heard Mum stir and thought 'will just wait for her and then go to the door WITH her in a united front-style'. Doorbells at 5:30am don't mean good news. Our postman isn't that eager a bunny and crank ringers don't follow that disciplined a pattern. Doorbells at that time rang like that mean something's happened and, given the year so far, they're not something you face alone.

No-one was there.

Woke up Mum who, though stirring, wasn't up and didn't hear it. Texted people to make sure all was ok (still waiting on replies). Went through it in my head. The first ring woke me, the second was while I was coming to. Very loud as well - 99% certain I wasn't dreaming it, not THAT vividly.

The Mum tested the bell - is working fine. One problem though...

...the bell I heard was our old one, that was replaced about 2 years ago.

Yet if someone asked me now, I'd still say I didn't dream it. Even though I'm quite spiritual and have a belief in the supernatural, I'm a naturally logical and analytical guy - the obvious explanation is a dream. I know that....yet I'd swear I heard it, and heard it twice.

Just to add some flavour to this growing insanity, when I came to after the first ring I had (for no apparent reason) a tune kick off in my head. The tune in question? 'We Are Alive' by Paul Van Dyk.

Have to applaud an imagination like that.

Strokes, Folks & Bellypokes

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 06:32:16 GMT

Time for an update...

Seems the lastest hardcore bad OCD spell has now lifted and, as predicted, the decision to not proceed with further medication now makes sense again. The decision also got some unexpected but welcome backup from my diabetes consultant on Monday, who was also aware of the effects the next level of OCD meds could have and thought hte choice to be absolutely the right one. A good appointment all round, I've now been officially discharged as an outpatient and am back to GP care for the diabetes. It's under control, I'm off insulin and don't need tablets - have been very, very lucky (as far as being a diabetic can be I guess). After nearly dropping dead from it 15 months ago, am gonna bask in the achievement for a bit. Think I've earnt that. Also, coming off insulin has already shown in my weight - have lost 5lbs in 2 months or so. Only a tonne to go, then...

Not so great news from Dad yesterday, who I finally got round to seing after 6-7 weeks. Turns out my stepmum had a 'mini-stroke' a week or two ago and, in the brief time i got to speak to him alone, he's very worried. Luckily there appears to be no damage but bad doctors advice led to her returning to work way too early and exhausting herself within 2-3 days. No warning signs or anything - just goes to show. Also clear now that Dad has some kind of major issue re: me talking about my mental disorder with him/in front of him - made himself very obviously scarce yesterday whilst I discussed it. Not sure why - guilt, lack of understanding...who knows? Too easy to come to negative conclusions given our history I guess, so ebst not to go there (thereyago Freud, chew on that bone).

Finally, another tough day Sunday as Mum faced her first birthday w/o Nana being around. I think it went as well as it could have - no big fuss, tried to get her lots of little gifts (which she prefers), visited the grave etc. But was tough and I feel Christmas will be similar. Hard visiting the grave too, not so much because of sadness re: Nana - have got to grips with that now - but, for me, just relising that there's a good chance that one day I'll be in the position Mum is now about her. I guess your 30s are the age where you start to recognise your own mortality and that of those around you. Sucks really.

Other then that, throwing around a few ideas in my head re: things to do. Coming back to the idea of some kind've radio broadcast or a podcast on here perhaps. We'll see.

Sock Cooker - Your Mother Cooks Socks in Hull!

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 22:27:00 GMT

I have a t-shirt with it on. Obscure reference to 'The Exorcist' which made me laugh...

...though I still can't buy 'No I haven't got Tourettes - I really do think you're a c*nt' w/o Mum disowning me.

Tough, terrible OCD week. Saw the psych, put my fears about the next level of meds to him and the hypothesis that maybe its best to stick - and he pretty much agreed. Sad really - a bit of me wanted him to strongly disagree - but, unless things get REALLY bad, it looks like this is about the way things are for the forseeable.

Have found that hard to cope with, especially because my OCD was really bad before the appt and really bad after. Conditions like this aren't really suited to non-definitive decisions. If someone says 'this is the way it is' then that's ok. This one wasn't like that though - I could go onto the next tier of meds, I just know (when I'm lucid) that the consequences could be very, very bad and outweigh the pros.

Thing is though, those consequences aren't happening atm and my OCD is. It's like smoking - until you get cancer, you think it won't happen and the temptation to have another is too great. But its a mugs game that you should stop straight away and all us smokers know that. The side-effects and potential medical problems etc could be very, very bad and I know its the right decision....just will take some time 'til that sinks in.

Anyway, with the help of the diazepam fairy, the spell finally seems to be very slowly lifting but is taking a long old time.

Hope you're all well.