The Long & the Short – Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a prehistoric shark flying through the skies attacking air traffic while his eight-legged arch-enemy shakes submarines to death in a truly terrible monster from the depths of movie-making.

‘Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus’ - a movie so mindlessly dreadful from start to finish that the temptation is to raise the fon t size to maximum and just write the word ‘Shite’, safe in the knowledge that the review would be accurate. And yet it’s so terrible that it actually starts to nudge into the same category as ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’, ‘Manos’, ‘The Swarm’ and T2D’s personal favourite ‘Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter’ which, despite their failings, exude a near-mesmeric kind of goofy charm because you just know the directors of those cracked gems all thought they were making cinematic masterpieces.

Bearing that in mind – and that I’ve lost 85 minutes of my life that I’m never getting back because of it – I feel obliged to share some of the things I’ve learn from the film with you all.

1. Prehistoric sharks can fly. Or at least jump REALLY high. An impressive feat when you bear in mind this particular shark is the size of a jumbo jet and actually made it to cloud height. At which point I learnt something else.

2. Prehistoric sharks eat passenger aircraft. One can only assume their eating habits have evolved over 100,000 years and that pterodactyls must’ve had a far harder time then we first thought.

3. Upon release from an icy prison in the Arctic, a giant squid will immediately head for the nearest oil rig to Tokyo and slap it about a bit.

4. It’s easy to take a military mini-sub on a joyride. This may be because the US Navy appears to only have one guard and is actually based at a small industrial plant in the desert. And he always wears sunglasses.

5. Visibility from said mini-subs must be awful as, despite the multi-jumbo jet sized sea creatures being right in front of it, the occupants weren’t completely sure they’d seen anything.

6. If in doubt, film an aquarium and just pretend.

7. Submarines will disappear if given a little shake by a rubber tentacle. Thank goodness Hitler didn’t know.

8. It’s amazing how quickly substances can be produced and material identified by fizzy cherryade and test-tubes.

9. Squids and sharks loathe each other and love nothing more then a good fight to the death, happily swimming halfway across the earth to continue one from earlier.

10. Just waving a tentacle in the air is enough for a plane to blow up.

The only excuse one can find for just how bad 'MS vs GO’ is would be that the whole budget may well have been blown on getting a ‘star’ name to appear. That dubious honour goes to Miss Deborah Gibson, one-time 80s US chart darling whose floundering career of the past two decades may have led her to think that this was a good time to reboot her career as a serious actress. Oops. The 15 certificate is also bemusing here as not only is ‘MS vs GO’ suitable for children but it appears to have been written and directed by them as well.

If very drunk and watched with a group of very drunk friends then there is some fun to be had here…it’d be impossible not to. Just be aware that it’ll take a lot of alcohol and, if you pass out, don’t worry. Really. You may still be better off.