After quite an intense and rewarding message board sess on SIAD today, it's prompted me to have a look back at some of my OCD-related entries - and I think it's time to do a follow-up to the one I wrote about my P-OCD in June '05 from ther place I'm at now.

 

A year on, things are very different. Firstly, and most importantly, the p*rnography addiction has disappeared. It was difficult in the first few months to break turning to it as a release but I think my breakdown from everything was such a huge wake-up call regarding how much I had really been upsetting myself all along proved the catalyst to wrench myself free of it, alongside the medical, professionaland personal help I was getting since admitting how bad things had got. Now, there's no issue there. Have I looked at p*rnography since? Yes - living in fear of it completely would always have left unanswered questions. But I have no more urges to look at it incessantly or even regularly - and when i do, there's certainly no inclination to go looking in any dangerous areas that could lead to me coming across upsetting material like I used to.

 

And yes - it's a huge relief. However much you know deep down that you're not a pervert or some kind of paedophile when you suffer from P-OCD problems, it's the same as all other forms of pure-o - your mind simply won't allow it to rest. The fact that I've tackled that demon and beat it through realising and finally accepting it was caused totally by my OCD - and by being totally honest about it with people - has allowed me to pretty much lay it to rest.

 

And, of course, the opening up about it via the blog and to professionals and friends has enabled me to think a little more clearly about how it all worked and how it all happened - and, as with other areas that OCD sufferers panic about, you realise that your recollection of events is tainted by your state of mind at the time. Now mine is that much clearer, I can see how I ended up where I did, seeing what I saw and reacting the way i reacted. And, as many others have pointed out, 99% of what i freaked out about was OTT and not as unusual or freakish as I thought - it was just my OCD that took it to the next level entirely and led to me winding myself up further by continuing to look in such areas, rather then walking away from it and writing it off to experience.

 

But it isn't all rosy in the mental garden. As the psychologists have said to me, there's an awful lot of collateral damage and misassociation with feelings and images that have been caused as a result of my OCD, P-OCD and p*rn addiction - and that will take a long time to clear. Depending on how my anxiety disorder is at the time, I'll still see/hear/read things that remind me of something I've seen from back then and still get upset. I still have anxiety issues whenever I'm around children - more about getting anxious about the possibility of seeing/hearing/imagining something that would upset me when around them. It's slowly improving, but is taking time - the relief in knowing that my reactions and thoughts are anxiety-based and nothing else is a big help, but they're still upsetting (as they would be for anyone else - we just can't clear them as easily). It'll simply take time for my mind to de-program all the unpleasant and random associations it made with things as a result of my obsessive thinking, that's all. Stories in the news about paedophilia and the like will also tend to upset me a lot - again, they touch off too many misassociated memories and anxieties that I had while I was really bad and thought terrible things about myself. Again, I've been told that will just take time.

 

So that's the round-up - and hopefully something that'll give hope to many of the OCD sufferers who've been in similar places during their illness and developed similar problems re: p*rnography and what areas it has led them into seeing. I know it's still a big taboo area and one that many simply can't talk about (I'm still to encounter other sufferers who'll be open about it re: the p*rnography issue, but am certain they're out there and that it's probably quite common, especially knowing the OCDers propensity to test his or her self). But, trust me - it can be sorted out, it can be recovered from and (eventually) it can just fade away. I just hope that stops some sufferers from living in a guilt they don't deserve because of their OCD - save that for those who really deserve it (though they'd feel no guilt anyway).