Kinda odd day today.

Would have been Nana's birthday so took Mum down the grave at around 8:15am or so to put some flowers on and just spend some time I guess. Had a long chat whilst there - am hoping it may have helped Mum to get over some things. Been over 2 years now and she's still finding it hard on a daily basis. Understandable - is your Mum ffs, you NEVER get over that I'd think - but deep down she's still kept replaying things too much in an effort to find some way to blame herself, some way to make herself feel responsible for it. Anyway, after said chat, I think/hope she's finally realised she was blameless in the whole scheme of things...Nanas number was up, simple as that and regret/sadness should stop turning into guilt.

Never fun forcing a conversation like that when you know damn well you're risking upsetting them and was a bit of a gamble, but knew Mum needed to release it a bit and (hopefully) start moving on a little more. Was tough but I think I may have finally got through to her. Lots of memories though that i'd rather forget.

Decided to leave the Pilates for the day. Feel guilty about it but doing it in near 30 degree C heat seemed not the most wise of moves to me tbh. Still, looks like I'm now up to 3 times a week ok & have kept the healthy eating going and am now visibly starting to see the improvement a tiny bit. Still a long, long road ahead but it's enough to give me optimism and make me determined to continue.

As for my disorder? Finally started to recover from the post-wedding spell 2 weeks ago and, although the past few weeks has still found it rearing up every now and again, have a grip on things for now at least. At least it's going back to old topics and triggers atm which, although unpleasant, I'm more able to deal with, keep in perspective and control as I'm used to them I guess.

Past 6-7 weeks have been pretty unpleasant on a personal & mental level...in fact, a bit of a mess to be honest. History has had an eerie feel of repeating itself, I've been hugely confused by some things, upset by other things and been pretty lucky that a number of people held me up and helped me through the mess that was my own mind at times. Now? A little flat, pretty sad and kinda resigned to some stuff just being the way it is but, thanks to Rob, Vicky, Marc and others, am at least functioning again & can (slowly) leave things alone that I can't solve and move on a little. Is easy for experts to say that looking for reassurance isn't the right thing to do but sometimes they forget that sufferers are still human too and we all need that occasionally. I guess the trick is to be able to trust those you go to to be honest with you and say what you need to hear and what is the truth, rather than what you want to hear just to placate you...constructive reasurance I suppose. Am sure none of that makes any sense and all sounds very mysterious, but it makes sense to me and that's what counts :-P.

Anyway...my next diabetic check isn't until september, my testicular cancer check came back clear (not sure whether I said so on here before but it did, thank god) and so maybe I can just have a bit of a drama break for a month or 2. Here's hoping :).

...just been stressed and hot in equal measures! Will leave a longer entry (so to speak) later in the week.

Drag Me To Hell (15)

Dir: Sam Raimi (Evil Dead, Spidey etc)

Stars: Alison Lohman (Beowulf, Big Fish), Justin Long (Alvin & the Chipmunks…no, really)

In Short: Raimi returns to his horror roots with disgusting, scary, frequently hilarious and hugely successful results

 

Oh what a feelin’, when you’re possessed on the ceilin’…

 

The Plot: A young, beautiful, charmingly innocent twenty-something bank clerk goes against her own good nature in order to to get the promotion at work she’s been hoping for by refusing a bank loan to an old gypsy woman. The resulting curse leaves her with just 3 days to save her soul…

Anyone worried that Mr Raimi’s time in Hollywood (with access to big movie stars and even bigger budgets) might change his horror films for the worse can breathe a sigh of relief - ‘Drag Me To Hell’ is proof that his understanding of + love and respect for the genre is alive and well and as ghoulishly, gleefully effective as ever.

It may not be the ‘ED’ film the fans have been waiting for but all the staple Raimi ingredients are here. A lead character tormented by supernatural forces beyond her understanding or control, outrageous physical slapstick violence, lashings of cartoon gore so extreme that you’ll shudder and shriek with laughter in equal measure, the old EC comic ethos of a little irony being good for the blood – all are present and correct. Even the near-legendary Oldsmobile makes an appearance.

The bigger budget actually brings very little to the table that’s new (beyond some visual polish & slightly better acting talent – Mr Campbell being the exception, of course) and, if anything, just shows how remarkable Raimi’s former technical achievements were on a shoestring budget. Anyone whose seen the Dead trilogy will feel right at home here.

Yet the most important thing Raimi retains in ‘DMTH’ is the rare ability to mix out-and-out humour with a sense of worry and dread. He allows audiences to almost step back from the film and laugh at the outrageous splatterfest going on while, all the time, the next wave of mounting unease is already starting to kick in and build to a fever pitch. Sometimes it’ll just be left to play with your mind for a while, other times one almighty cathartic moment of seat-jumping shock will offer a few seconds of relief. And you’ll never guess which it’ll be.

Oh, and it has the best acting appearance by a goat in living memory.

In fact…I’ve ran out of superlatives. Just go and see it.

Updated the blog with a new clip to check out, new 'must listen' tune and new list of other tunes to chase down (all quite clubby this time round).

Mind you – damn good though.

Chris the Guru put me onto this a few days ago and when you see the promo material for the film describes it as ‘Donnie Darko for adults’ then, at the very least, you know you’ll be confused at the end. Fortunately, this one still succeeds on a microcosm of DD’s budget in creating a completely believable world and series of events which first build intrigue, then anticipation, then paranoia and ultimately a satisfyingly thought-provoking finale which leaves you re-reading the film long after the credits have rolled (and will no doubt lead to repeat viewings  - was already eager to see it again within seconds of the end).

You won’t completely grasp what the hell it all means at first and it trades DD’s semi-dreamlike surrealist touches to something far more gritty and believable (not a bad thing at all - in some ways akin to a sci-fi version of ‘Memento’) and it is excellent.

Won the Sundance award in 2004 and easy to see why – go check it out.

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0390384/

Rotten Tomatoes: http://uk.rottentomatoes.com/m/primer/

Spoke a bit too soon - had some warning signs yesterday and a really intense 4-5 hours today where, had it not been for a few friends and a parent really keeping me together by acting as my rational brain, I would have solidly retriggered again.

Guess I'm not so clear of this spell after all...have to be really really careful.

Did get the news that an old flame has now started seeing someone else and handled it surprisingly well, though...the tiniest of twinges alongside a flicker of annoyance at hearing some familiar lines she's fed to someone else that I'd heard before myself (and I kinda doubt the sincerity as much this time as I did then!) but that was it. If anything I feel a little sorry for her repeating the same mistakes again by the sound of it. Proof that I seem to have finally accepted that I've now lost the urge to plunge my hand into that fire after getting it burnt so many times!

Not sure if anyone else saw the interview with BNP leader Nick Griffin on Sky news no more then 30 minutes ago – but left the presenter, politicians on the panel, and no doubt many other viewers along with me chilled & quite disturbed.

Of course you expect the rhetoric and the gloss. Let’s be honest, all the parties paint their messages with it and placing stringent controls on immigration and withdrawal from Europe in the current climate aren’t unpopular policies or ones unworthy of some debate and consideration. Is fair to say any party pushing those policies to the hilt will at least get the attention of the general populace.

It was the rest of it, the things that spilt out from underneath the smiling facade (which started to crumble quickly when pressured) which proved truly worrying.

“Islam isn’t welcome here”…which seconds later, when the presenter asked him about it, he denied saying!

No more Mosques should be built because if we were in Saudi Arabia they wouldn’t build any Christian churches, but now here you can’t even add a single stone to a Christian church – um, how many churches here is ANYONE aware of that need an extension when, in fact, the attendance numbers are generally down! Besides, this is essentially a secular nation now and not a theocracy. Oh, and Mr Griffin’s traditional Christian values are apparently at odds with traditional Christian churches as he then admitted that he doesn’t go to church because none of them agree with his viewpoint.

The most frightening thing? One of the analysts asked about who can join the BNP. “Anyone indigenous to this country or with close ties to indigenous people” was the reply. “How can you tell?” asked the analyst…

“You just look….you just know.”

What lies beneath…

No reason - just find that nothing cheers you up more then a random word of nonsense sometimes.

Tried major medication today.

I know I have the valium for when it gets really bad but you never like using it….you try to avoid it and suffer a bit before you have to because of what it is. An addictive drug that, if you take it too much, will not only leave you dependant on it but will also lose its effect at a lower dosage. The more you take, the mor you chance addiction, the less effective it becomes.

Took 3 today for first time ever…& it hasn’t helped. Physically I feel relaxed and near-exhausted. Mentally? Nothing. Chasing its tail over and over and over. It’s not as though there are even any avenues left to mentally explore regarding what its picking on atm. The issue is as resolved for the moment as it’s going to get. But that’s obsessive thinking – it isn’t the issue (though placating it can help a bit sometimes), it’s the way you’re thinking in a loop. Even writing here about it ended up fuelling it in some ways. But I’m a writer. Employed or not, this is the only place I can truly express what I feel and how I’m feeling it and try and make sense of the whole f*cking mess things are atm. When i write it taps into something else, not untinted by my disorder but not under its control…things flow as they should do inside of my head when i write. Here it all makes sense.

I feel like it’s driving me mad, very slowly but surely pushing me over the edge through sheer mental exhaustion, from when I go to bed at night to within minutes of me opening my eyes the next morning. Slamming through to top gear immediately and just not relenting, ignoring every tactic I know and everything I’ve learnt. This may now be the most intense attack I’ve had since the one that caused my breakdown 5 years ago and that’s starting to frighten the hell out of me. I may be far stronger now but there’s still a breaking point somewhere when you just curl up because your mind has blown a fuse. I remember it well…I don’t want to go back there. Not ever.

Yet this could stop tomorrow as swiftly as it arrived. I feel so f*cking helpless to it.

Started having the occasional slip into some dark mental places I haven’t visited in a while today. Just fleeting thoughts of the ‘I can understand why people decide anything’s better than this’, ‘it’s a good job I’m not on my own atm’, that kinda thing. Enough to make me aware that I need to keep some kind of a grip on things as they could get out of hand.  I wouldn’t do anything stupid – I just don’t need that stuff making an appearance in my thinking again.

Has even crossed my mind about having a good drink, something I never have done with my illness to relieve it because of the fear of what it may lead to if it works (which it does). It’s not like sitting up through the night to beat it with exhaustion is even working this time (did it Monday though not totally by choice).

5 years ago, when it was like it to this intensity, I didn’t get used to it and I blew a huge fuse. If this doesn’t stop, what the hell happens this time? It’s ok saying it always goes off but what if it doesn’t? It hasn’t so far…my comfort zone, the vague predictability of my illness isn’t there atm. Quite simply – I don’t know what the hell to do beyond just keeping going and am increasingly scared of where that will end up if this doesn’t stop soon.

And now to bed – I just wish i could go there with more optimism then I feel right now.

Am no expert on Thom Yorke but anyone who can write a line like that must understand mental illness somehow.

When a spell gets this bad then you understand why people rock back and forth in corners just for comfort...just to do ANYTHING that calms them somehow. Doesn't matter what. Found myself banging myself in the head with something earlier on just to distract me, to give me something to take my mind off the relentless, unceasing thinking and the near-physical pressure pain that it induces. Society sees people walking around doing such things and thinks them mad - maybe they're just trying anything to keep the madness at bay.

I dunno...not sure what I DO know when it gets this bad, when you rollercoaster through points where you just start to get a grip on your latest episode and suddenly lose control of it again almost without thinking (ah, but there is a state I sometimes dream of). This is proper, old school, nuts and bolts obsessive thinking - free of the elements of depression, panic and other such areas which have tainted my spells more and more over the years. This is a spell the way mine USED to be,,,a wake-up call to remind me that you're never truly free, to re-enforce the things I learnt about my disorder so long ago that I'd almost forgotten them. No f*cking about here this time - this one is bad.

The focal point? Something dumb. A few weeks ago I got annoyed after 2 conversations with a close friend during which I may as well have been a food processor on the other end of the receiver for the amount of 2-way interaction there was. Not the 'I'm stressed and need to vent it out at someone' type (that's fine - I do that, we all do that, is what friends are for) but the type of conversation equivalent of someone asking you to visit them and then spending the whole time with them as they watch and engage with a tv programme while you sit on wondering why you were invited to begin with.

The thing is...that person wouldn't have meant it. They probably didn't even realise they were doing it. It isn't a normal thing for them and they're a very sensitive and caring individual with whom I have one of my most valued relationships. They also suffer from stress and anxiety type stuff too and, for them, I'm aware that (like me) they sometimes need to switch off, to get away, to close down from the world for a while. That they can get distracted by things sometimes and immerse themselves in them to escape real-life until they can cope with it again. I totally 100% get that.

Problem is I have some bad past experiences with former friends who could be that way sometimes. People who were like that simply because that's who they were, not because they needed a reality break. And they hurt me a lot. Alongside a father who the above TV-example actually demonstrates a pretty good example of many times spent over his place...all buttons that get pressed easily and a lot more easily when I'm wound up. Which I already was. I know she isn't them or even like them - just plugged into the memories somewhere.

The result? The post-wedding mental blow-up has started using all the above and is driving me slowly out of my mind.I'm aware on some level (as all us sufferers of OCD of any form are) that my concerns aren't real. Me and her haven't fallen out at all. We've had no argument, no reason to fight or anything (and haven't done). I care very much for her, know she cares very much for me, know she has RL responsibilities as well as her own disorder to deal with and sometimes means that she has to go AWOL from the world the same as I do at times. She's not great at email/text/msg checking but I'm semi-obsessive about them even normally so that's my own paranoia at work. When she's being who she normally is she's loving and supportive as a friend...even when she's having a rough time, I love being there for her. I'll drop the odd text or msg and then one will phone the other. Sometimes it can be a few weeks but no big deal.

This time though my disorder has got hold of it & won't let go. Tried turning it into something ugly for a while. Had me thinking I was being badly treated, neglected as a friend, stubbornly not getting in touch at all just through some bloody-minded pettiness.Wondering where she was whilst I've been dealing with the wedding and the cancer tests etcetc. All sh*t that's unfair and untrue - and I KNOW is untrue. I know that if she was in a place mentally to chat to me, be it by phone or in person or just email/msg (and lets face it, not like I'm exactly in a decent conversation place atm), she would. She always has done and would be hurt to think I genuinely thought those things - and it hurts me to have thought them.

I have faith in her and who she is - always have.

Which is why a spell like this is so painful as it won't let it rest. Much as I know all that to be true and 99.9% the case (that she herself isn't in a great place atm)...that 0.1% is driving my mind insane. It's enough to keep me constantly going over and over and over things, to have me constantly reassuring myself that nothing is wrong and once my OCD calms down I'll realise that she'll get in touch and all will be fine. I'm being hypersensitive and emotionally overloading about it & have got stuck in a total mental loop & my CBT is completely failing me in controlling it. When you're bad, even that tiny %age is enough...anything less than 100% sureity can drive you mad.

I dropped her a text, an email and an msn msg...let her know I was thinking of her, hoped she was ok, and was a bit rough too and was checking all was cool earlier on. No response. Yet that'll be perfectly innocent too. Like I said, when in a spell like that she can sometimes not even notice/check them for days even though she's online a lot. I KNOW that. And yet looking for that reassurance can backfire as a sufferer & know that's f*cking with me too. Have found myself slavishly watching my phone, email inbox and messenger all day just in case. In trying to allay the ocd, have just fuelled it.

Phoning of course is out of the question. Last week that was through pettiness. Now? Assuming she's in a bad place herself, I'm the last person she needs to speak to when I'm like this. Plus, if she is in a spell, the last thing I'd need is another experience like the one a few weeks ago while I'm like this. Would just upset me again and it wouldn't be her fault. A bit of me is still hurt by that experience and a bit of me is angry with myself for feeling hurt by it when I shouldn't...but I do. And a bit of me is scared because it reminded me of friends I've lost and drifted from...and not sure I could bear that happening to me and her. Better to wait until she's in a better place then she no doubt is atm and she'll call then.

So as you can see - mentally I'm f*cked atm. All the above will seem utterly melodramatic and 99% stupid to me when I'm back in a 'normal' mental state (whatever that is). But at the moment I'm not...and I can't find the mental switch to shut myself down until I can think rationally again. hence this post - been a while since I've left something like this but am still glad it's here. Sometimes it only makes sense when I sit here pouring it out through my keyboard. Plus somewhere inside my head I'm aware that this may help people...it may not help you find a solution but at least you know you're not the only ones going crazy sometimes.

Here's to tomorrow.

Not difficult to see I'm on one, is it?

Got to sleep at 3am this morning...head racing, couldn't settle. DID realise that the things I'm 'upset' about are being blown wildly out of proportion by this attack and, when it subsides, they'll just become minor annoyances that'll be easily sorted out...in fact, 99% something I'd not bat an eyelid at when not in a spell.

Tell my head that atm though. It does tend to amplify things hugely and it's easy to do massive damage to yourself and your relationships with people around you as a result - trying to tackle something that's wound you up a tiny bit when on a spell can end up with you developing it into some kind've armageddon scenario. I guess those who get angry project tha outwards - me, tends to be the other way.

Anyway, now I've figured that its the disorder creating a problem that isn't really there (beyond me saying "that p*ssed me off a bit" about something), have to stop focusing on it and let this spell burn out until my perspective returns.

So anyone reading this thinking 'oops, have I done something really bad to annoy him?' - no you haven't at all...no-one has. Just my disorder making irritation seem like annihilation. It'll pass :).

*lol* Obtuse again? Yes. Still, keeps all my friends who read on their toes and being extra nice, just in case!