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9/15/2005 OCD - How I obsessOk, after the last entry, if I don't type this up I'm going to kick off on a 'have I really got OCD?' train-of-thought which isn't a good idea.
First - the 24/7 symptoms. Am ALWAYS suffering from a sense of low-grade anxiety, both physically and mentally. Is like a background hum. I'm always aware of it and am always aware how easy it would be start thinking about whether I am gay or whether I;m into young kids. It doesn't disappear - i KNOW any thought about the area can set me off unless I'm in a rare, clear-headed moment where I can think about it as part of my disorder rather than as things that may be problems in their own right. Perhaps a sign of both some recovery, combined with constant exposure has meant I can control THAT level of it. I don't often randomly decide to kick off (as was a feature in the first few years). I know it's there, I know I could, so i don't and just live with a low level of discomfort every day.
Spikes - ok, in clear spells these tend not to effect. But, as said above, these don't happen often! In general, a spike is something that makes me move from the above state of mind into actually thinking about my H or P-OCD. Can be all kind of things...for H-OCD, could be just hearing Barry White talking and acknowledging that he's speaking in his 'sexy voice'. A guy in any state of undress is a good one to cause panic - and that includes someone even having the top button of their shirt undone and showing a tiny bit of chest!!! For P-OCD, it's often just seeing a young girl and thinking something as normal as 'she's pretty' - the 'ahhh, bless' response. Or the undress thing, again. Invariably, this sends me to one of two places:
a) What do you think of them? Are they attractive etc? Do you find that sexually attractive? Does it turn you on/off? Often you're trying to provoke a response and use that as proof, itself not a good idea. You'll also click onto reassurance mantras (a habit I've mostly broken now), over-analyising and saying 'that's that, that's that, you're over-worrying, you're ok'.Of course, you find yourself throwing mental images at yourself or looking at your trigger to try and get some definitive thing about it. Physically, you tense - it's an immediate, panic-led response. Which starts the other is completely impossible to tell - but, as I've said before, a few years in I then started to obsess about that reaction as well and what it meant.
b) Catch it early - realise it is just OCD. it isn't you, it isn't a response or series of thoughts/physical reactions brought on by anything else BUT your OCD. Let it happen on that surface level without mentally 'locking on' to them and allowing them to spiral. remember that, though this may be agonising in the feeling of doubt and indecision and the physical anxiety you suffer during that burst, you WILL return to the state you were in before it and see it completely differently. Remember that, before you developed OCD, none of this existed and so OCD is what it's a result of.
The 'Bad' Spell - At first i thought this to be brought on by type a) reaction to spikes. But it isn't A strong type a) reaction normally means you're in the spiral heading for a bad spell already. Irritability, lack of concentration, snappiness etc also heralds it. When it kicks in - kaboom. A huge mental tension blossoms in your head - not a headache. In fact, it isn't painful in that sense. It's more immense pressure, like someone is gripping your brain and firmly squeezing it. Your mind fogs up and thinking/concentrating is impossible. You can't cope with input of any kind and just can't process it without overloading and closing down. You're tired, miserable and depressed. Going out is impossible, conversation is a challenge, empathy disappears. And there's no predicting when it starts OR how to end it. Completely random - naturally, during this, you are hyper-aware of any potential spikes whatsoever (though ironically can't muster enough mental energy to think about them). It's this which currently stops me working. Comments (6)
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